Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The 45 Diner story begins... (This is not the story start... go one post down and read the Prologue first)

Chapter 1

You’ll only see the 45 Diner after the interstate curves in along the base of Tucker’s Hill. It’s just how the building sits in relation to the hill. On the straightaway all you see is Tucker’s. No diner, no garage.

It looks like an adobe. The walls are cheap plaster and the windows are single sheet glass. The ground is a strange dirt patch where you can’t find a stone or rock anywhere. The specials are written on a chalkboard stand outside the diner. There’s a good hundred and sixty foot strip of dirt from the door of the 45 to the edge of the highway. Parking is not usually a hassle. The 45 is not a Wonderburger or Harry’s house of Meat. There are no special meals for the kids. No balloons. No cheaply produced toys bundled in with a small packet of fries and drink.

There’s a phone booth on the corner just before the turning. Jed reckons he’s seen the bloody thing repaired or rebuilt more times than the number of years the 45 has been in business. Drunks and idiots have managed to wipe out the phone booth on more than a couple of occasions. Still they keep rebuilding the booth there and them idiots just keep knocking it down.

The sign over the door has not been repaired or maintained since the time it was put in almost thirty years ago.

Half the neon lights on the sign don’t work. Nobody cares.

Today the specials on the chalkboard are:

1) Fried Chicken Chop with Baked Beans and Fries ($6.50)

2) Home-style country pot pie ($8) [serves 2]

3) The 45 potato and cheese chowder with garlic bread ($7)

4) The 45 set meal - Soup, burger, chips, salad and a drink ($17.50)

The diner seats about 40 easy. Menus are old laminated paper double folds. The floor is retro style alternating black and white tiles. There’s a jukebox in the corner and the last time anyone played a song on it was three weeks ago when a trucker heading up north with agricultural feed put in a dollar for “Quando, Quando, Quando” and “You’re so vain”. He had a white coffee with two sugars and two large slices of Meg’s cauliflower chicken bake.

The 45 has been opened since forever. Meg Langford and her two sons, JD and Henry James Junior, run the place full time. JD runs the adjacent repair workshop and scrap yard, while Meg handles the customers and Henry Jr works the short order in the kitchen. In the last year or so Meg decided to hire Jill Weathers from nearby Chase to help her out in the front end. It was more of a favour than anything else, really.




“Here, ya go. Chocolate milkshake”, smiled Jill.

“Thanks”, said Amy.

Jerry winced as Jill gave him a little squeeze on the cheek.

“Cute boy”, said Jill and left.


Jerry slurped his shake and hummed looking out the window. A gecko scampered.


“Mommy. How many kilometres is it from here to that lizard?”

Amy smiled at the ginger-haired boy with the wide eyes and slightly-too-short haircut. His spectacles made his eyes look a tad larger than they actually were but the bigger baby blues only made him so much more adorable.


“Hmmm. About 10 meters?”

He looked up. The straw fell out of his lips. Eyes wide.


“10 meters? Wow.”, he gasped.

She laughed. They both wore napkin bibs. Jerry was self conscious. Amy could never get him to wear a napkin around the collar without she herself wearing one. It came with the territory.


Amy was a young mother. 28. Dirty blonde hair. Single.


Amy wore $10 mall T-shirts and jeans which were often washed too many times over. Amy bought from the discount aisle. Amy carried groceries two bags per hand. Amy was the kind of mom you saw shuffling bags, keys in the mouth, opening the door and pushing the seat forward in a hatchback for a kid to get in the back. Amy was the kind of Mom who would swear in traffic, but change all the swear words to safer ones for fear of her child picking up. Amy was the kind of woman a serious man would cherish, if ever a serious man would bother to look past the grocery bags and government assistance cheques. It never happened. Not to women like Amy.


“How many kilometres from here to that man fixing the car there, Mom?”

“About 150 meters, I think.”


Jerry uttered soundlessly – ‘150 meters’. He counted ten, twenty, all the way up on his fingers. He ran out of fingers.

“Wow.”

“How many kilometres to that patch?”

“20 meters”

“How many kilometres to that man talking on that phone outside?”

“80 meters, maybe. Not too sure about that one.”

He stopped to catch his breath. He started up again.


“I like his shirt.”

“You do?”, she asked

“Yeah. It looks like fire.”

She smiled.

“You’re right. It does look like fire.”

“A fire shirt. Voosh!”. He made a little gesture like an airplane taking off.

Amy laughed.


“Mommy. How many kilometres is it...”, he stopped.

Meg put down the order of waffles and fruit salad. “He’s a talkative one isn’t he?”, she said.

“Yes. He is.”, Amy laughed.

Jerry pouted and looked low.

“I’m sorry. Jerry’s a bit shy when it comes to strangers.”

“No. That’s alright.”, said Meg. “My brother’s kids were like that. Wouldn’t get a peep out of them. They’re selling real estate now. You got to stitch their mouths closed these days.”

Jerry looked at his hands under the table.

“Can I get you coffee or tea?”

“Coffee would be great.”, said Amy.




“Hey baby. How’s things”, said Tom into the phone. The booth was scorching under the scalding rays. He had to keep the receiver from touching his ear.

A bug was flying around but he couldn’t spot it.


Tom played around with his sunglasses. When he put them on, they got too dark. When he took them off and placed them on top his sandy brown hair it got too bright. He decided to leave them up and squint. He fiddled with the tribal necklace that Michelle had given him.


“Yeah. I’m slightly passed halfway already. I should be there tomorrow afternoon.”

He brushed invisible cobwebs from his face

“The paper was fine. I put it in Wednesday.”

He rubbed web string on his cargos.

“Phone booth. I’m stopping for lunch now. Yeah. I wasn’t hungry at lunchtime.”

His eyes were on the phone display. He jingled change in his hand as he watched the value diminish slowly.


“So what you been doing at Kenzo’s”

They had a barbecue picnic yesterday.

“Really. That’s great. How are his folks like?”

She was surprised. They were formal and polite. Unlike Kenzo.

“Sweet.”

He remembered why he called her. He asked her before he forgot again.

“Hey? You got the tickets, right? For Gutbuster?”


He heard a low grating sound in the distance. He turned. A black Beamer was crawling in from across the way. It had a flat. He shook his head. Woman drivers.


She had the tickets, she replied.

He missed his gal. He leaned his shoulder against the booth.

“Baby, what you wearing?...





Ally slammed the door. And cursed.

“Yeah. Can you believe what Chan was trying to pull? What a fucking asshole.”, she yapped into her phone.


JD looked at her chattering on her mobile. Early thirties. Attractive. Highlights in the hair. Expensive shades. She must have been sweating buckets wearing hose in thirty degree weather. JD kept looking. She didn’t notice. She had a nice body and a tasty pair of breasts under that “don’t fuck with me” office woman get-up. And those legs...


She hung up, clapping the cell shut. She smiled. Dimples formed.


“Hi. Didn’t mean to keep you waiting. Can you get this changed for me?”

She could have done it. Maybe it was just beneath her.

“Yup. Not a problem. You want one of mine put on there or you wanna use the spare in the back?”

“Is there a difference? I’m in a hurry.”


He walked up to the car, wiping his hands on his overalls. He saw the sticker on the windscreen.


“Hertz rental right? You might have to pay for using the spare when you send the car back. Or I can fit you with one of mine. I got the same tires here. I don’t know what Hertz might charge you for them. But I can tell you what I charge”


He crouched down and checked for damage. Shucks, no damage. Routine change.


“Twenty. Twenty-five minutes. You can have a drink or something in the Diner while you’re waiting. You got anything else you want looking at?”, he asked, peering into the grill.


No answer. Ally was already walking to the Diner.


“Guess not”, said JD.




Ally entered the swing door and walked up to the counter. It was so much cooler inside than outside. A typical Diner type woman half-smiled as she topped up the cup of a greasy looking man in a black polo T.


Ally smelled hot lard. Ally heard patties being turned on the grill. Ally heard 80’s radio.


“Hi. Can I get a double decaf latte?”


Joshua half turned and gave her the once over.


“Sorry miss, we got no cappuccino machine. All we got’s regular.”, said Meg.

“White, 2 sugars.”

Ally spied the cake fridge in the corner of the counter.


Chocolate, Fattening.

Kiwi, Sour.

Apple strudel. Right. As if. She had strudels in Germany in a little place just outside the Black Forest. Now that, was a strudel. Then she stopped at the cheesecake with the marbled top. Hmmm.


“It’s good.”, said Meg, wiping down the counter, not looking at her.

“Excuse me?”

“The cheesecake. That’s what you looking at, ain’t it?”


Ally looked outside. JD was jacking up the car. Plenty of time.

“Yeah okay. I’ll give it a try. Scoop of vanilla on the side.”

“Take a seat. I’ll bring it to ya.”


Ally took a seat in one of the 60’s style booths.





Junior flipped burgers as Meg came into the kitchen.


“I’m gonna get me a girl like her one day?”, he said.

Meg dug around in the fridge.

“Who?”, she asked.

“That lady who just came in. She looks nice.”

Meg looked.

“Are you kidding me? A woman like that got no need for a man, son.”

“I don’t know, Mom. You might be wrong.”

Meg gave him one upside the head. He giggled.

“You knows I was just kidding.”

“How’s that burger coming along.”

“It’s coming.”, he said.


Meg took out a tub of ice-cream.

Junior walked up to the window of the kitchen.

“Hey, Mister. You want ketchup on yer burger?”


Joshua looked up from the sports section and shook his head. Henry Jr looked pass him to the booth where Ally sat. She’d taken her shades off and was stretching her arms over her head. Junior felt his pants get happy.


Meg upsided him again.

“Are you crazy boy?”, she hissed. “If she catch you gawking like that. She gonna give us hell.”

“Sorry, Momma.”


Meg looked out. Ally hadn’t noticed and Joshua didn’t seem to care.





Rex looked up from his chowder. The kid was looking straight at him with a serious face and a pout from the booth over.


“Something a matter?”, he asked.

“You have asthma.”, the kid said seriously. He had a cute lisp.

“Why do you say that?”

The boy’s head popped out of view. He was speaking to his mom about something. Pleading. After a while the boy popped up again.


“Sorry. I was busy.”, said Jerry, still serious.

“No problem.”, replied Rex with an equally straight face.

“You have asthma. I can see your puffer. There, in your pocket.”


Rex looked at his shirt pocket. The top of the inhaler was sticking out.

“I have a puffer just like yours. See?”. Jerry waved his own.


Amy told him from the seat over that it wasn’t a toy.

Jerry sighed. “I know, Mom.”


Rex smiled and returned to the chowder.

Jerry rested his head on the top of the booth seat, staring at him.


“When do you get stucks?”

“When do I get what?”, Rex asked

“Stucks. When do you get stucks in the chest?”

“Oh. Stucks in the chest. I don’t get stucks anymore.”

“You don’t?” said Jerry. “Wow.”


Amy’s head popped out beside Jerry’s, “Is he bothering you?”, she asked, smiling.. She reminded Rex of one of his “special” house calls. Her smile was nice.


“No. I’m fine.”

“If he bugs you, just let me know.”, she said. Her head disappeared again. Jerry rolled his eyes.

“Sorry. My mom’s like that all the time.”, he lisped.


Rex put some pepper in the chowder and stirred.


“Why do you carry the puffer if you don’t get stucks anymore?”

“Just in case I get stuck again, obviously”, said Rex.

It wasn’t right to tell the kid that he used Ventolin to get a buzz and stay awake on the road.





JD heard the problem all the way as the armoured van pulled up. Prosser parked and got out.


“Pretty serious problem you have there by the sound of it. Heard it all the way coming in.”

“Yeah. That’s what I thought. Can you fix it?”

“I won’t know till I get a better look at it. You blocking the road. Park it behind the garage. I’ve got this Beamer then I come take a look at your problem.”


Prosser bent down to look under the carriage. He cursed when he put his hand on the bumper without thinking. It burnt. It was crazy hot from the sun.


JD got back to taking the nuts off the Beamer. Prosser went back to the front of the van, slipping the gun into the holster and taking the shock prod and aluminium rod from the dash.


JD spied out of the corner of his eye. Prosser fumbled with keys.


“Hey. You got anyone in that shed?”, asked Prosser.

“Nah. Just me. Why?”


Prosser kicked a stone out of the way. It bounced and hit the side of the shed.


“I got a guy in the back. I’m gotta take him out or he’s gonna die in there.”

“He ain’t like a jailbird, is he?”

“Yeah he is. Why?” Prosser jingled the keys.

“You sure you got to do that?”

“Pal. It’s 38 degrees out here. Jailbird or not, he’s gonna bake like a turkey if I leave him in there”


JD tried to protest but the words seem to stick in his throat.

“Don’t worry. I can handle him.”, said Prosser.





Meg muttered to herself as the coon came up to the counter and smiled.

“Good afternoon. Are you still serving the lunch special?”


The nigger spoke funny. He sounded like those in them tourist programs. Kenya and shit like that.


“That all?”

“A coca-cola also. If you have some.”, Kwaku grinned.

“Take a seat.”


Meg came into the kitchen.


“You let that shit come in here?”, said Junior.

Meg took the burger plate and shot him a look.

“Since when did you learn to question your Ma?”

“But he’s a fucking coon, Ma.”

“Don’t you swear. Do you know how it’d look if we turn that nigger away with all these customers around?”

“But.”

“Just shut up. When I die, you run this place the way you like. But till then I say if the coon got money and he want a special, you shut up and bring him a special.”

“Fine.”

“Don’t you talk back to me, Junior.”

Henry grumbled.


Jill got the salad leaves out of the old fridge.

“Give him the ones from yesterday’s bag. Damn coon don’t know the difference between spoiled food anywho.”, said Meg.


Jill kept quiet and did as she was told.





The armoured van sat parked at the back of the garage, surrounded by piles of old cars and scrap metal parts. Prosser stood with his ear up to the back door. JD had come to take a closer look. Curious.


“You know, maybe you oughta stand back a ways when I open the door.”


JD gulped. “I thought you said you could handle him.”

“I can. But it would be stupid to take risks now wouldn’t it?”


JD stepped away and half hid behind a rusted chassis. He was about to wipe the carcass with a bit of rag before he caught himself wondering what the fuck he was doing.


Prosser shouted.

“You hear me?”

The door shook as it was kicked from the inside.

Prosser switched on the shockprod. It hummed.

“I’m assuming it’s hot in there. You want to come out?”

The door shook again.

“Alright Kaminski, I want you to lay on the floor, face down. If I look in there and you’re anything but, I’m gonna leave you in there like that and you can cook. You understand me?”

Prosser looked through the tiny window in the back.

“That’s right. Down. Down. Okay. Hands in front. Good.”

Prosser put the key in the lock. JD picked a wrench from his toolbox and held it tight.


Prosser banged the door and jiggled the key. He turned it and pulled the doors open. Waves of heat radiated out on the van. A huge man lay on the floor. Shoes pointed in their direction.


“Alright. Stay there. Don’t make a move until I tell you.”, said Prosser.

A muffled grunt replied. JD inched closer. The man was huge, he could tell even from way back.


Prosser worked quickly and fastened the extendable aluminium rod to the shackles of Kaminski’s feet. Once it locked, Prosser stood further back, manipulating the feet via the rod.


“Ok. Push yourself off, Kaminski. Any sudden moves and I’ll zap you.”


Kaminski moved slow. When he finally stood up, JD’s respect for the Staff Sergeant grew heaps. Kaminski was a tower of bulk, easily a head and a half taller and arguably as much wider than the lean provost guard. Corded arms bulged underneath the grey detainee overalls.


Kaminski turned slowly, squinting in the yellow desert scape. His shackles only allowed him to shamble a foot or so at a time. A large welt dressed one side of his face, running from the side of the face up along the shaven head. The black gag remained sturdily in place and made him look like a mosquito, with a protruding end.


JD inched closer. Kaminski snorted. JD stopped moving.

“Behave.”, growled Prosser. “Sit.”

Kaminski sat on the fender, sweat dripping down his face in rivulets. JD came closer.

“What’s that thing he got up on his face?”

“New gag. Keeps them from biting. They can drink and breathe with it on. Safer.”

“This guy bites does he?”, JD kept his distance carefully. “What did he do?”

“You don’t wanna know.”


Kaminski stared at JD. JD felt himself shrinking fast.

“I think I ought to get back to that Beamer”

“I think you’re right.”


“You got the time?”, asked Prosser

JD looked at the guard. The long protective gloves up to the forearms didn’t have a watch strapped around them.

“There’s a clock in the Diner. But I don’t know if Ma gonna let you inside with that fella though.”


Prosser shoved Kaminski on his feet to start the large man shambling.

“We’ll just have to find out for sure, then.”





Tom listened to music while waiting for his order. He had his eye on the hot Asian girl who had just come in. Her jeans practically sprayed on, and a tight T stopping far above the navel. Her hair was long and beautiful, almost at the waist. She wore a funky baseball cap that only seemed to make her ten times hotter than she already looked.


Tom tried to look away quickly but the crew-cut, pale-skinned mountain who stood beside her caught him gawking.


Boy, was he a big guy, Tom thought.


He blew out an air of relief when the mountain smiled at him and nodded his head in greeting. Tom nodded back. Tom gazed out the window, the pounding beats of DJ Anatta stark contrast to the willowy dusty hills outside on the other side of the highway.


A finger tapped him on the shoulder and he jumped. He thought of the mountain. He turned but it was the face of Randall that greeted him instead





“That lad was checking out yer goods, Ling.”

“Which boy?”

“That young man by the corner booth.”

Ling looked.

“He handsome.”

“If you say so. I don’t swing that way. You know.”

Ling jabbed him with her elbow. Elroy laughed.

“You so mean. I know what that mean, okay?”

“Alright. Don’t get all narky at me.”

They looked at the board

“What is chowder?”

“It’s like a thick soup, they make with milk.”

“Eee. No milk. I get fat.”

“You’re bloody kidding me. You? Fat?”

“I’m no young anymore. 26. Get fat easily”

“Well if you’re too old and can’t find yourself a man. I’ll marry you.”

“Right, Elloy. Har Har Har, very funny. What you eating?”


Meg asked, “Y’all decided yet?”

“One second. You serve that gent first, I’m fine”, pointed Elroy to Kwaku.


Meg said to Kwaku, “I know. It’s coming in a while. We’re doing the best we can. Just hold on a second”

Kwaku just put it down to stress and returned to his table.





Kwaku sat and narrated into a tape recorder. Rex smiled at him, holding a coffee cup.


“You documenting this trip?”

“Yes. My first drive up the coast.”, said Kwaku.

“That’s a pretty sweet recorder you got there”

“Digital. I just bought it.”

“May I?”


Kwaku passed the recorder over. Rex had a look at it. It was very slim and sleek, hardly weighed a thing.


“This part here, the microphone, it comes off. You can wear it like a pin. You know? Like a journalist.”

“Is it clear? The sound.”

“Yes. Very clear. Wireless relay, Strong pickup.”

“Nice.”, said Rex. He gave it back.


“I am Kwaku. You are?”

“Jeez. Where’s my manners. I’m Rex. Good to meet ya.”


They shook hands.


“So where you headed”, asked Rex.

“Up the coast. I’m hoping to visit the rapids in Stancheon.”

“It’s nice up there. Good place to take photos. You fish?”

“Unfortunately, I do not know how to. Not rod fishing, anyway.”

“Pity. There’s a good run in season. You are not from here, are you?”

“No”, smiled Kwaku. “I’ve just finished University. Vet science. Heading back soon.”

“Nice. Nice.”, smiled Rex.


As he looked closer at Kwaku, Rex noticed something.

“Say, that’s a pretty bad case of barber’s rash you got there.”

Kwaku nodded.

“Yes. My neck is quite sensitive.”

“I might have something in my car for that”, said Rex.





Randall said, “Is this seat taken?”

Tom said, “No. Go right ahead.”

Randall sat down. The boy was young. 22 or 23. But he was REALLY cute. He’d tell Bryan about it. In time.


They sat quietly. Tom lost in his music, looking out the window. Randall half jotting notes in his palm, and half checking out Tom. Randall even managed to sneak taking a picture with the camera function of his palm.


“You ordered the ice-tea, right?”, asked Jill, carrying food

Randall nodded.

“And you wanted the special?”

“Yup.”, said Tom, taking off his headphones.




Jed entered the 45 by the back entrance in the kitchen.


“Where were you all this time?” snapped Meg.

“Where do you think I was, woman? You think the flatbed drive itself to Lincoln with the fridge ?”

Meg huffed.

Jed wiped his hands on his filthy overalls and stole a chip from the fryer.

“Jay-sus. How many we got in here?”. He counted heads in the diner. He damn near coughed up when he saw the coon.

Meg grumbled and went back outside.


“Hey, Jr.”

“Yeah. Uncle Jed?”

“Guess how many we got in here eating”

“How many?”

“About 10.”

“No shit.”. Junior stopped what he did and went to the window. He giggled and scratched his ass. “Yeah you right. I didn’t even realize. Busy as I was.”

“Whatcha think ?”, Jed winked and smiled a set of bad teeth “We about set?”

Junior could only giggle like an ass and rub his crop-top hair.




Everyone in the 45 froze when Prosser brought Kaminski round the front and lashed him around a telephone pole near the street. He placed a wooden box next to the pole


“Alright. You sit here, I go get you a drink.”, said Prosser

The inside of the gag steamed with breath.

“Yeah. I think you need some. You look about ready to pass out. Now you sit down here and behave yourself, aight?”. He patted the shockprod hooked by his belt.


Stares greeted Prosser as he entered the diner. He raised both hands in the air.


“Hello folks. My name is Prosser, Staff Sergeant Edward Prosser. I’m part of the military police. I’m having trouble with my transport so I’m having it looked at. That man out there is a detainee, but as you can see he’s pretty out of it from the heat. I can’t have him staying in the van in this weather. I apologize for any distress caused but I’m just getting me and that fella a drink and we’ll be out of your hair in a jiffy. Thanks for understanding”





Kaminski’s back felt like it was on fire. The sun blazed. Sweat swam out every pore. The gag impeded his breathing. It felt like he was trying to get air through a sponge. Small bits of glass glared into his eyes. The crate he sat on had been in the sun too long. Splinters jabbed his ass. The edges of the wood had begun to fray in long strips.


He tried to sleep but the pole was hot and it burnt his arms. He was so exhausted.


The ground shifted from orange brown to a bluish-white. He looked up. There was a long grey cloud obscuring the sun. The burning back relented somewhat. He tried to nap before the cloud passed. Head against pole, he rested.





Ally’s feet felt good with the shoes off. Her ankles popped as she pointed her toes.


Her cell rang. It was Julian.


“Okay. This is going to make your shit fly. Are you sitting down?”

“What is it?”, Ally felt the tension creep back into her shoulders.

“Chan’s called Satoshi and is trying to wrangle them back for a few hours”

Ally felt the fire rise up her throat.

“You are fucking KIDDING me!”

JD knocked on the window from outside and gave her the “OK” sign. She waved him away pissed.

“He’s talking about maybe flying them by, guess what, private carrier. ”

“That motherfucker!”, she almost screamed. The Chinese girl and the rugged looking Irish guy turned to look at her. Ally said to them, “mind your own business.”

“What about all that shit Angela was talking to me about expenses?”

“I think Chan’s going over her head on this one.”, said Julian


Ally slammed the phone shut and opened the cell again. She dialled Max.





“Oi.”, a voice called in his direction. Snapping fingers.


Kwaku felt a bit irritated at the way the idiot in the kitchen motioned at him with the “come hither” finger. He knew what that finger meant. He had plenty of experience with it back home with the white fellas.


He got up and walked over to the counter. His food was ready.


Meg, not looking at him said, “Hang on for your chips, son.”

Kwaku stared at the idiot in the kitchen. He was back cooking. There was another man in the kitchen, idling in the corner. The idle one caught him staring and said something to the idiot. Kwaku couldn’t hear what was said. The radio in the kitchen was too loud.


The idiot turned and stared at him. Kwaku did not look away.

The idiot jerked his head in a reverse nod – What the fuck do you want, now?

The idle one kept talking.

The idiot put one hand to the strings of his apron – You want a fight?

The idle one kept speaking. The idiot mouthed something to him – THAT word.


Kwaku felt his blood boil, but he stayed super cool. Meg looked up into the kitchen, and the idiot broke his gaze.


Meg grabbed the basket of chips and put them on his plate.

“Don’t mind my son. He’s my boy. But he’s got my ex-husband’s stupidity.”


Kwaku grabbed his plate and went back to his booth.

“Can I get another refill here?”, asked Joshua.

“Sure”, said Meg.





“Fuck this. Let’s do it.”, snapped Junior.

“You sure?”, snickered Jed.

“Fuck yeah. I love to see that coon get it. Did you see the way that fuck looked at me?”

“I’ll go speak to JD then. What about Meg?”

“What about Meg?”


Jed laughed and walked out the back door.





Kwaku seethed as he sat down.

“Pay no attention to that guy. He’s ignorant.”, said Rex.

“You saw that as well?”

“Yes. I did.”

Kwaku pushed his food away. “For all I know, he could have spit in my food.”

Rex picked up a piece of salad and ate it.

“Nah. I doubt it. Can you say ‘lawsuit’?”

Kwaku smiled.

“Seriously. Pay no attention to them. Dickheads like them are everywhere.”

Kwaku laughed.

“That is a funny word. Dickhead.”

“Not as funny as a dickhead.”, said Rex.


Kwaku ate a little. The chips were good. Then he noticed that his tape was still recording. He stopped and rewound. He unclipped the mike off his collar.


He put a headphone in his ear played it back. No sense wasting all that space recording garbage.


...got my ex-husband’s stupidity..


He stopped and rewound some more. Sounds of random kitchen noises and music. He stopped and rewound further, and played it back.


..This is Freedom100 FM, highway radio. All hits. All day long.


The mic had caught the kitchen radio.


...This just in, Police are urging callers for any information regarding a suspect in a daring daylight bank robbery. The suspect is about 5’11, wavy hair with a dark top, perhaps black or dark blue, and jeans. He was last seen driving a late model Nissan taxi cab...


Kwaku looked out the window. Range Rover. A Ford. A Beamer


Oh look. A Nissan. In really bad shape, the damage must have been recent, because there were no rust spots or discolorations where the paintwork had gotten scrapped off...yeah it could have been a cab. The paint scheme was definitely cabbish.


Hmmm. 5’11, wavy hair, dark top.


One guy stood out to that description - the man in the corner, by the counter. Yeah. He had a black top underneath the jacket. He could be about 5’11. His hair was dark..


..identifying marks include a tattoo on the left side of the neck..


The collar of the polo was pulled up. It seemed quirky before, but it was nothing really suspicious.


Joshua reached for the sugar. As he did, the collar fell slightly.


Kwaku SAW it. Kwaku’s blood ran cold. The tape played on.


..suspect is considered armed and dangerous, and the public is advised to call authorities and not approach the suspect themselves..


Kwaku STARED. Kwaku gulped. Kwaku couldn’t turn away fast enough. Joshua turned and saw Kwaku looking at him. Joshua did a double-take. Kwaku couldn’t rip his eyes away. Kwaku was a deer in headlights. Kwaku KNEW and Joshua knew he KNEW.


Joshua looked back straight ahead. And sipped his coffee.





Ally felt like flinging the fucking cell at the wall.


“It’s out of my hands, I can’t do anything about it.”, said Max.

“Fuck you. You’re my boss. How about you started acting like one?”

“Ally, I don’t like your tone of voice”

“Screw you. I’m sick of your shit.”

“Ally... calm down.”

“I’m going to make it easy for you. You stop Chan from this fucking thing”

“Are you issuing me an ultimatum?”

“You stop Chan or I’m going to your wife about us. Fuck you, dickless prick!”

Silence.

“Well?”, asked Ally.

“Ally I don’t know what the...


The phone beeped. The call died. Low battery. Ally was livid. She grabbed her purse. She looked around, she saw the booth outside. She slipped her shoes on. She ran to the counter. How dare that mother..


She slid passed the Army guy who smiled at her. Meg said the Visa machine was broke. Ally counted out dollars from her pouch. She turned about to leave. The greasy man stood up in her way and said something. She didn’t hear what he was whispering. She said she was busy. He said something again. She tried to sidestep him. He blocked her. She tried to sidestep him again. Again he blocked her. She had no time for his stupidity. She told him just that. He reached into his jacket. He took out a gun. He pointed it at HER.


“Sit the fuck down.”


She felt the wind knocked out of her. She felt like throwing up. She felt her bile rise up.


Somebody in the Diner screamed.



Joshua spun Ally and held her in front of him with a forearm across her neck. He pointed the revolver at Prosser.

“Don’t even try it”, said Joshua


Prosser looked down to his holster. But he didn’t move.

Joshua told the ones in the kitchen to get out front. They sat in the booths with the others.


“Look. What is this all about?”, asked Prosser.

“Shut up. Do you want to die?”

“No.”

“Then quit asking questions. Are you hero of the day?”

“What?”

“It’s my gun. I ask the fucking questions. Are you hero of the day?”

“No. I’m not.”

“You sure?”

“No. I am not hero of the day.”

“Good. Because where I come from, hero of the day gets to dig .38 calibre slugs out of his face and ends up drowning in his own fucking blood.”

Prosser kept his hands up. WAY up.


Joshua said to Ally, “Get back to your seat.”. She RAN. He kept his sights on Prosser. The button on the guard’s holster was on. No way he could pull. Army guy had no chance.





Session start: 15:47pm.


DaveyBoy> hi gorgeous

Randall54> Hello boyfriend : )

DaveyBoy> we sorted the AV problem. you’re all set for the talk.

Randall54> Excellent. What are you up to?

DaveyBoy> i collected the itinery sheets from the printers.

Randall54> Any problems, darling?

Randall54> Hmmm...

Randall54> Yoohoo?

DaveyBoy> sorry. phone. yeah one small issue..

DaveyBoy> the shiatsu guys can’t make it. I pulled some strings and got a chinese acupressure group from the Hyatt. that alright?

Randall54> That’s fine.

Randall54> Miss you

DaveyBoy> me too.

Randall54> You miss yourself?

DaveyBoy> hahaha.


Randall54 wishes to send you a file [angelface.jpg]

Accept? (Y/N) y

[angelface.jpg] transfer is in progress.


DaveyBoy> whats that?

Randall54> You’ll see.

DaveyBoy> you arent on the road now are you?

Randall54> Gosh, no. I’m having something to eat

DaveyBoy> chase? I hear there’s a good crepe place there.

Randall54> Not Chase. A diner along the interstate.

Randall54> I love the smell of greasy fries

DaveyBoy> .... don’t. don’t tempt me.

Randall54> So whats the figures like now? The gig.

DaveyBoy> 4000: the talk and 650+: retreat. still getting calls for retreat tho

Randall54> Can we fit latecomers in?

DaveyBoy> i already did

DaveyBoy> what would you do without me :P

Randall54> Touche.

[angelface.jpg] transfer completed [Click here to open]


Randall54> Go look.

Opening [angelface.jpg]...


DaveyBoy> wooooooooooooo. who is that?

Randall54> Some guy sharing the booth. A student probably. Cute?

DaveyBoy> very. take him up here for me?

Randall54> I’ll try. Then again I might save him just for myself.

DaveyBoy> ......

Randall54> I’m eating the best fries ever right now.

DaveyBoy> bastard. youre making me hungwee

Randall54> Yum. I can smell the tallow.

Randall54> Theyre better than the fries at Wolfgang’s

DaveyBoy> I HATE YOU.

Randall54> Hahahahahahah

DaveyBoy> hmph.

Randall54> Hang on. Gotta use the john.

DaveyBoy> get angelface’s number. maybe we could call him sometime...

DaveyBoy> i’ll take him monday, wednesday and friday

DaveyBoy> and tuesday *looks at picture again*

DaveyBoy> Im sorry randall. Im leaving you for angelface

Randall54> FUCK!

Randall54> DAVID. SOMEONE’S HOLDING UP THE DINER!

DaveyBoy> hahahahahhaah. riiite.

Randall54> DAVID. NO FCUKIN JOKE. I’MM SERIOS!

Randall54> I HERD A SCREAM AND NOW I’M STUCCK IN THE FUCKIN LOO

DaveyBoy> og god! You not kidding?

Randall54> HES GOT A GUN





“Don’t make a move.”, said Joshua.


He pointed the gun right at Prosser’s face and fumbled with the holster. He retrieved Prosser’s weapon. An automatic. Joshua shoved it in the back of his jeans.


“Take the belt off and toss it behind the counter.”


Prosser did it. Joshua patted him down. Joshua felt keys. Joshua felt money. Joshua felt a petrol card in the front pocket. Joshua felt a sunglasses case. Joshua gave Prosser the keys.


“Take that guy in here before someone drives by and spots him.”

“You don’t want to..”

“Do it. Walk a straight line to him and take him in. You try to split or do anything funny I’ll clip you from here. And I’ll clip half the people on account of your dumb ass.”

“I can’t go out there empty handed. He’ll jump me.”

“You’ll just have to hope he doesn’t then.”




Jerry was crushed against Amy. He was pale. His chest heaved.


Jill’s hands were cold. Jill was trembling. Jill asked Amy if the boy was alright.


Amy shrugged. Amy’s hands shook as she spritzed the inhaler for Jerry. Amy’s face was worried. Jerry’s face was screwed.


Joshua pulled the automatic from his back. He trailed one gun on everyone and one on Prosser. Prosser went behind the counter as ordered. Prosser unclipped the extendable rod from the belt. Prosser stepped through the doors and walked a steady pace towards the hulking prisoner.


Prosser’s lips moved rapidly. Jill could see it through the glass.




Prosser hollered across the distance.


“You heard me? Don’t try anything stupid. Walk together with me into the diner. He has my gun and he’s got the sights on us. Do you understand me?”


Kaminski nodded. Prosser got close slowly. Kaminski had gone into a trance watching drops of perspiration fall onto the sand from the tip of his nose. Heat? What heat? His shoulders were hunched. He couldn’t feel his legs. His thighs had gone to sleep.


Prosser approached warily. The key slid into the padlock that fastened his wrists around the pole.


“Stay loose like you are now. No sudden moves. I get shot, you get shot. It’s that simple.”

Kaminski grunted.

“Ok. Take your hands away from the pole. I’ll cuff them again.”

The big man shook his head. He eased up slowly. Legs unsteady.

“Look. Don’t make a scene out of this. Give me those fucking hands.”

Kaminski grunted a bit louder.

“Fuck it then. Fuck the cuffs. You go in there. You reach for something. You die. Better for me. ”

Kaminski pressed “play” in his mind. Kaminski imagined his chest being blown out his back. Kaminski offered his wrists.




Jed and JD entered the 45 by the back entrance. It was weird. From where they were, everything was empty.


“What the hell’s going on here?”, asked JD. He picked a chip from the fryer.

“Where’s Henry?”


Too quiet, thought Jed. Much too quiet.


Jed realized too late. He clapped a hand to JD’s shoulder just as Joshua popped out from under the counter. Guns pointed their way.


“Come on in. Shut the door behind you.”





Ling slipped a hand under the table and grabbed Elroy’s hand. It felt like it was just taken out of ice water.


“Easy, doll. I won’t let a thing happen to you.”, he whispered. He gave her a reassuring squeeze.


The power suit lady was fidgeting. She played with her watch strap, fumbled with her clothes, touched her face. She had sat by them when the greaser let her go.


The convict and the guard walked in. Someone shrieked. Greaser shouted “Everybody shut the fuck up!”


Elroy sized up the shaven headed prisoner. He was big. Bigger than Elroy. That was saying something. The young guy cleared the booth for the newcomers and sat somewhere else.


The hulk sat on one end, the guard on the other end. A smell wafted Elroy’s way. The big crim STUNK. Eau De Party Wagon.


He remembered the smell, from way back, in 84.


Elroy and some young buddies decided to go mad at a soccer game. They’d bashed some rival supporters. Someone went overboard. Someone fired a flare into the mob. Somebody lost an eye. The coppers lost their cool then. The coppers nabbed them. They rode a van into the station. They were processed in town. Elroy remembered another van at the station, just after he himself had arrived.


The coppers had nailed the Dockland slasher. They’d brought him in just after Elroy and gang. The slasher was manacled just like this bloke. Hands and feet. Elroy remembered being terrified. Once in the few times of his life that he was scared at anything. Elroy remembered being put in a cell across from the slasher. Elroy remembered not sleeping.


Something about that memory and the hulk in front didn’t sit well with him. Something he couldn’t place.



It was a glint in the toiler door that caught his eye. Then the slight movement of the door jamb.


Hincks said, “Rodent problem.”

Joshua shouted. “I am going to count to three, asshole. Either way you’re coming out. It’s your call how.” He cocked the hammer on the revolver.

“One.”

Scrambling behind the door.

“Two”

A voice answered. “Okay. Okay. I’m coming out. I was just peeing for God sakes.”


“Just get out now. Wash your hands.”, said Joshua.

Randall stepped out. Hands WAY up. Hands still dripping. Post pee wash.

Joshua shoved him and kicked him into a seat. Rough.


“Lay off the smacking around. Don’t string everyone too tight. If they rush us all at once, we fucked.”, said Hincks.


Joshua ignored him. Black kid had forced this. Black kid could’ve called them in and Black kid would’ve, definitely. Chase PD would have reacted quick. Roadblock. Helicopter. Spike strip. Game over. Joshua had to IMPROVISE. Joshua did improvise. But Joshua didn’t like deviations. Joshua was a “stick to the plan” kinda guy. Deviation made Joshua pissed.


This was not the plan. This was not the fucking plan at all.


Joshua lashed out at the jukebox and smashed the screen. People sweated. Sting sang “Russians”. Joshua paced the room. Assessing risks. Thinking.


“I am going to lay this down very easily. Simple instructions. Simple requests.”

The black boy looked to the ground as Joshua eyeballed him.

“Most of you have no fucking idea why any of this is going on, as it should be. But I think at least a few of you know otherwise and THAT, is a problem.”


The radio spruiked its station ID and timecall. Joshua shot it. The radio disintegrated. Plastic bits in the fryer sizzled. Plastic bits on the skillet melted cheesy. Plastic bits floated in chicken stock.


Screams. More screams. Screams of, “Oh my god. Oh my god.” Won’t these bitches just shut up, he thought.


Joshua said, “First request. I want wallets, car keys and phones on the table. You don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill anyone.” Joshua walked. He looked around for “hero factor”. The big one with the Asian was surely a hassle. The guard and the crim, obviously. “Mr. Pee hands” looked cagey. The lanky motherfucker with the dead eyes that came in with the short order kid looked a threat as well.


Joshua said. “Well? Get on with it.” His finger was itching to make examples. The gun smoke made him sick. Keys came out of pockets. Wallets as well. Big guy with the chick took out a money roll. He didn’t have a wallet.


“You can keep that roll. I don’t want your money.” Josh said to Elroy.

Joshua heard sobbing. He turned. Amy was crying. The boy was blue.

“The fuck is going on here?”

Amy cried some more, rocking the boy. Joshua banged the table.

“Hey, I’m talking to you!”

She snapped out of it.

“What the fuck’s up with the kid?”. He asked.

She stared at him as if she wanted to fucking stab him right there.

“He’s not breathing. His inhaler isn’t helping. His throats almost shut.”

Joshua read between the lines. He read the body language. He read the eyes – You killed my kid. You are a fucking dead man.


Fuck, he thought. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

“Don’t lose it. You lose control they’ll own you”, said Hincks.

“Shut the fuck up! I’m the one running this show. Don’t fucking tell me what to do. Why the fuck have you always got to tell me what to do?”, Joshua shouted.


Everybody looked at each other. Who the fuck was he yelling at?

“Oh great.”, whispered Ally to herself, trembling. “We’re stuck in here with a god damned lunatic.”


Rex held up a jerky hand. Rex held up an inhaler. Rex felt like pissing his favourite driving pants.

“What?”, asked Joshua.

“This might help.”

Joshua plucked the inhaler and threw it at Amy. She tried it but her eyes didn’t believe it would work. She spritzed. No use.


“Does he have a pulse?”.


Joshua turned. It was Kwaku.

Joshua let it slide. He couldn’t afford a dead boy.

“I don’t know. I can’t barely feel anything.”, said Amy.

“You a doctor?”, asked Joshua.

“I’m a vet student. I could help. Let me help her.”

“Go.”


Kwaku scampered across to Amy’s booth.

“Let me have him, please”

Amy let go.

Kwaku undid buttons at the top of the shirt. Kwaku flicked his hand furiously. He felt for Jerry’s carotid. He looked at his watch.

Joshua heard whispering. He turned. Henry was trying to whisper across to JD. Joshua sprang. Joshua swung the gun butt. Henry’s eyes glazed. Henry fell flat on the table like a stone. JD tried to reach for his brother. JD saw the gun. JD changed his mind.

“Nobody fucking talks. This isn’t fucking Oprah.”, Joshua said.


Kwaku felt around under the round face. Amy’s face showed her worry.

Kwaku felt something. Was it? Wasn’t it? Was it? There?

Kwaku sighed relief.

“He has a pulse. But it’s very faint. “

Kwaku dipped two fingers in water and put them to Jerry’s nose and mouth. He felt for cold on his fingertips. Signs of a breath.

Was there? Was there? There was.

“He’s breathing. Let’s give him more room. Clear the table.”


Amy dripped tears of relief. Joshua ripped the tablecloth off. Plates smashed. Cutlery clattered. Porcelain pieces scattered.


Kwaku placed Jerry face down lying on the table. Kwaku sweated. Kwaku tried to remember first aid and biology lessons taken ages ago. Kwaku secretly wished that Jerry was a dog, or horse.


A faint dusty light bulb came on.


“Caffeine. Coffee. Strong black coffee.”, Kwaku said to Joshua. “Helps the airways. Stimulates the heart rate.”

Joshua reached for Rex’s cup.

“No. A fresh one. Preferably hot. Helps keep the chest warm.”, said Kwaku.


Joshua pointed to Jill. Jill looked panicked.

“What you so shit scared about? Just make coffee. Go”.

Jill shook uncontrollably and started to cry. Meg hugged the girl. Jed reached over and hugged them both.

Meg asked, “Mister, She’s casual. She just a kid. Give her a break”

Jed said, “C’mon man. Leave the poor girl alone. My wife will take care of the coffee. She’ll make coffee for everybody, alright? Please. Jill’s about ready to pass out. Look at her, she’s white as a ghost.”


Joshua frowned. Joshua smelt Eau de smartypants. Joshua felt the leash had started to slack.


Joshua said, “Who the fuck asked you anything, Jethro?” He pointed the revolver right at Jed’s head. “Make no mistake you fucking cotton picker. I will end you like Polka if you so much as say one more fucking thing without my asking.”

“Hey, come on now. I didn’t mean nothin’”, Jed tried to laugh it off.

Joshua’s eyes widened. Joshua saw red. Joshua heard Hincks making “tsking” sounds.


He flipped the gun over and pistol-whipped Jed. Hard.


Jed saw stars. Jed saw naked Jills dancing around a cornfield. Jed felt tapping on his shoulder. The safety switch on the 38 had split his scalp and blood was dripping. Jed grabbed dispenser napkins and compressed. He felt the beginning of a number of headaches.


Joshua snarled at Meg.

“Do I have to whip your fat ass too to get you moving?”

Meg moved pronto.

“Now where the fuck are those keys and wallets?”, he yelled.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Elroy rubbed the missing knuckle. Elroy was ex-security. Elroy had good instincts. Elroy played “If I were Joshua, what would I do?”


Joshua was taking phones. Taking keys. Taking wallets. Why? Phones - prevent communication. Keys – prevent transportation. Wallets – Prevent access to... Money?


It couldn’t be money. He didn’t want Elroy’s roll. If it was money, he would have sprung the register and asked for watches and jewellery. He didn’t. He had no interest in cash.


That was weird. He looked like a greaser. Greasers were into money the way white guys were into yellow pussy. The only time Greasers weren’t interested in money was when they already had mon...


Ding Ding Ding. “Tell him what he’s won, Bob.”


Elroy could almost HEAR the “click”. He remembered the news report in the car on the way here. Daylight robbery. What was it? 250? Wasn’t that what the radio said? Greaser fit the description.


Therefore that meant the diner gig was REACTIONARY. The mad geezer had figured he was about to be dobbed. He was setting up the diner so that he could make a split with an even chance to get away. Hence the need to collect all the items. Wallets meant identification. “I know where you live.” It made sense. It bought time for a getaway before anyone could make a phone in or drive out to get help.


Elroy decided that wasn’t the issue. The issue was safety. What would happen if “the voices” told gun wielding psycho to kill everyone? How much could you trust a guy who talked to himself? How much could you trust him to not hurt anyone?


Elroy decided the answer was ‘not enough’.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Jed held a wad of napkins to his head. The whole clump had turned red. His head had started to swell. He eyeballed Jill. In a way this was all the bitch’s fault. If she’d just gone and gotten the fucking coffee. Meg and him wouldn’t have needed to stick up for her. And he wouldn’t have copped a pistol whip.


Meg came back with two jugs of hot coffee. Kwaku took a cup from her quickly and brought it to the boy. Amy whispered to the kid to take it slowly. Jerry nodded and kiddie sipped.


“Cut them a bit of slack, c’mon”, said Hincks.

Joshua mumbled, “Go on, give everyone a fill.” to Meg. She went round and poured refills.


Joshua went to the counter and grabbed a trash bag. Within he placed all the keys, mobiles and wallets. He kept one key out. The range rover. He’d drive that and leave the cab behind.


He checked his gear. He thought. He looked out the window.


A highway patrol cruiser drove past along the main road outside.


Joshua’s balls leapt into his throat. He crouched by a booth.

“Everybody stay fucking cool or I start shooting.”, he shouted.


Moments passed. Joshua kept looking. Was there just one car or a posse? The wall clock ticked. His fingers tapped on the cold steel of the revolver. Sets of questioning eyes looked at his finger tapping. Eyes looked at the automatic held under the counter in his other hand.


Joshua took his refilled mug and gulped hot coffee. It burnt his lips but he liked it. He waited some more. He turned from the window and faced Hincks, who sat across from him.


“What do you think?”, he asked Hincks. Everybody stared at him.

“No siren. No posse. Could be routine.”

“You think ?”

“We’ll have to wait and see. What are we gonna do then?”, asked Hincks.


Joshua drank coffee and thought. Prosser drank coffee and thought. Elroy drank coffee and observed. They waited.


The cruiser came back. Joshua’s blood ran cold.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Patrol Constable Jim Croce swore under his breath. Did dispatch KNOW how many eating places there were down the whole stretch? Check all of them ? What a screwball order.


The call had come from Cook PD. They said they received a call about a hold-up about a half hour ago. Some suit from the Westin. It was the fifth hold-up call in for him in the week. With the school semester out, the number of prank callers had more than doubled. Normally a guy like Jim had patience for calls, even nuisance ones. But it was 38 degrees out and his bum shoulder was giving him more grief than usual.


He felt like telling despatch off. The call had come from bloody COOK for God sakes, as if that wasn’t enough to set their feelers tingling. The hell would a call from Cook have to do about a hold-up here?


Despatch were idiots. 42 degree high and they had to send his ass to go do some useless errand like this.


Jim put the car in park. Jim filled in the logbook. Jim left the engine running. He looked through the diner window. People drinking. Waitresses serving. Guy behind the counter. Business as usual.


He’d just come from Duke’s Shell. No drama there. Duke’s boy had made it into Legal Studies and they were seeing him off next week. They invited Jim for the farewell party. Duke’s wife made nice meringue pies. Big ones. Fluffy. You could smell the egg whites and icing sugar, unlike the crappy frozen “serves one’ affairs you got in the supermarkets.


“No hold up here”, Jim said to himself.

The next place would be Bob Hanson’s place 40-odd clicks away. Jim looked at his notebook. The A/C blew full into his face... made him sleepy idling in the car like this. He considered backing out and heading on to Bob’s place.


He read the log entry.


1657hrs. Follow up on call – 45 diner on Tucker’s


He looked out to the Diner. He looked at the log. He could feel the heat outside when he put a hand up to the glass. He sighed. The A/C would take ages to turn back on again if he switched it off.


“C’mon Jim. Do it properly”, he told himself.


He sighed. He swore. He put his hat on. He switched the engine off and stepped out into the waves of desert heat.





Joshua snarled over the counter, “Remember what I said. Anybody makes a peep I turn this place into a fucking bloodbath”. He tied off the apron behind him loosely. It gave cover to the steel in his waistband.


He looked down. The prisoner lay by his feet.

“I got no quarrel against you. You lay down there and play dead.”

Kaminski nodded.


Joshua looked up - Prosser was making for the door. Joshua cursed under his breath.


“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get back here !”

Prosser turned. “Relax. I have an idea that just might save you from killing all these people.”

“The fuck you talking about? Sit the fuck down before I blow you away now”


Prosser leaned up to the counter, coffee in hand.

“What are you, fucking stupid?”, he whispered. “You think for one second that the mother, the vet kid or the fucking guy in the toilet is going to keep quiet and play fine and dandy? You think they gonna sit around and smile and eat imaginary fucking eggs while you laugh at the cop’s jokes and send him on his way smiling out of here? They’re gonna yell their fucking heads off the first chance they get.”

Joshua seethed.

Prosser kept talking.

“What if he comes in, looks under that table and sees all that broken shit? What if the kid wakes up and starts screaming ? The fuck you gonna do then, kill everybody?”


Joshua glared. Hincks stood beside him, agreeing with Prosser.


“Let me head him off, maybe I can talk him into something, get him away from here. Just give me the fucking chance before this gets fucked and everyone leaves in body bags”


The patrolman was on his way to the door fast.


Rex said to Prosser, “Don’t be a hero. Just sit down man. Jesus Christ.”

Prosser spun. “How about you shut your mouth fat man. I might be saving all your fucking lives here.”

Prosser turned back to Joshua, “Well?”

Joshua snarled, “Go.”




The provost guard came out of the joint and beamed.

“Hey. That was quick. I’m glad you came fast. You patrol boys sure got your response times down under regulation. Jeez it’s hot out here, ain’t it?”

Jim Croce scratched under an arm. His shirt was sticking.

“Huh. What you talking ?”

“I’m Prosser. Staff sergeant. I called Patrol for assistance about a half hour ago? The motor vehicle snafu. You’re the guy they sent, yeah?”.

Prosser stuck his hand out.

“Well not exactly” Jim shook his hand. “I’m James. What’s the problem anyway?”

They stood just inside the shade of the building. Jim looked through the glass.

Prosser smiled, “Well Jimmy, you know military regulations. Us army boys ain’t supposed to breakdown if possible. But I did. Van’s out back on blocks getting a look at. I need to get someone official on the site of repair, you know, if it’s off military jurisdiction. Make sure everything’s witnessed and all.”

“Yeah. I hear you.”

“That’s why I called. They said they’d send somebody. You’ve signed off a accident repair docket before yeah? So you could do it”.

“Yeah, I have I guess.”

“Great. It’s just around the side in the garage. ”


Jim peered through the glass. There was a kid asleep by the window. Most of the patrons drank coffee. A waitress went around. Another cleared plates.

Jim said, “Sure. I’ll take a look at it.” Boy, there sure were a lot of empty plates lying round.

“Excellent. It’s right this way.”, said Prosser, pointing a way off.


Jim spied the counter. The guy behind the counter smiled. Jim waved at him. He waved back and grinned.


Jim came to the door about to enter.

Prosser tapped his shoulder. “Hey you want something? A drink? I’ll get it for you. My treat yeah? For coming so soon. What you having, Jim?”

“No thanks. I’m not thirsty...” Jim looked. He looked at the counter. The man kept smiling.


Too much smiling. Something wasn’t right. Jim scanned.


He saw cakes. He saw salt shakers. He looked further back. He saw ladles and scoops hanging in the middle. He saw pans and pots hung on a rack. He saw the wash area right behind...


He saw the remains of the radio on the shelf in the kitchen. He saw the bullet in the wall. He saw cracked plaster on the skillet. Alarms rang in his head.


Jim reached for his gun. The counter man’s expression changed. The man shouted. The man tore his apron away. Guns in the belt. Jim swore. Jim tugged at his gun. He tugged again, but it wouldn’t come loose.


He looked down. Prosser’s hand clamped over the holster. Prosser grabbed him. They struggled. Prosser drove a fist into Jim’s kidneys. Jim buckled. Prosser’s other arm locked around his throat. Prosser heaved and pulled back hard. They fell back together. They writhed on the ground like snakes doused in 100 proof. Prosser's legs wrapped from behind around Jim’s waist. Prosser’s other hand came up and braced around Jim’s head in a lock, both arms acting like a noose. Tightening, constricting.


Jim struggled and coughed. His hands struggled to undo the gun on his hip. His grip on the handle was faint, fading fast. The angle which he lay on the ground made him unable to turn or hit back at Prosser. Jim felt the blood rush to his head and stay there.


Prosser hugged harder and squeezed.


Jim’s face darkened purple. Vessels popped. His eyeballs were protruding. His vision swam and grew darker and darker. Jimmy Croce choked for air. Prosser arched back and stretched Jim out like a rack, increasing the force of the choke. Jim’s world contracted from light and expanded into blackness. Sound softened. Time faded.


The last thing he heard were the bones in his neck, snapping.


Blackout.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The door banged open. Prosser huffed, grunting with the body.

“Jesus. Don’t just stand there. Help me bring this bastard in.”

Joshua darted around the counter and came to him. His eyes wide open, staring at the body.

“Oh my god. What the fuck did you do to him?”

The tongue lolled. The eyes were angled off-kilter and half open. Joshua put a hand under the chin, feeling around like he had seen Kwaku do before.

“Is he dead?”

Prosser snapped. “No. He’s hypnotized - sleeping with his tongue hanging out like that..... the fuck are you, dense? Of course he’s fucking dead.”


Joshua gripped the legs, Prosser gripped the arms. They dragged the body inside and shut the door. They puffed with the strain.


[add something here]


“Oh shit. My prisoner. Is he still behind the...”, asked Prosser.

Joshua cursed and dashed behind the counter. Joshua half expected the big bastard to not be there. But..

“Yeah he’s still here.”

“Good.”


Joshua felt a cold blade press against his throat. He stiffened instantly. He felt a hand braced against his back.

“Tsk tsk. Very shoddy my friend. You don’t know how to do this for shit.”

Joshua realized his mistake. “Fuck.”

“Get out of there. We gonna ease back, slow.”, said Prosser.

“And what you gonna do if I don’t comply?”

“Well. You gonna find out where you end and I begin. Now back out slow”

They eased out back to the front. Jill and Amy clapped. People sighed.


Prosser said, “Everybody stay where you are. For your own safety.”

“Fine. It’s your game now. What do you want?”, said Joshua.

“Two fingers. Thumb and forefinger. Take out the gun. The revolver first. Slow.”

Joshua did it as told.

“Where did you get that blade? That was a slick pull.”

“Thank your mistake. Letting me get behind the counter. Whole set of steak knives back there under the shelf and you never even knew”

“Touche.”

Joshua could feel the tip of the gun coming out. If he could only..

“No no. You’ll never make it. Trust me.”, crooned Prosser.

Prosser gazed behind the counter, “Can you hear me Convict ? You get out from the floor back there.”

Joshua worked it loose and held up the gun with two fingertips. Prosser took it.

There was a sound of shuffling and the big man rose from the back. A stain ran from the crotch down one leg on the coveralls of the giant.

“Jesus. You wet yourself? Stand against the wall, convict. No sudden moves.”, said Prosser.

He cocked the revolver and put it to Joshua’s head. The other hand grabbed the automatic from Joshua’s waist.


The diner applauded. They started to get up. Talking started.


Prosser kicked Joshua away hard. Joshua slammed into the jukebox. Joshua’s hand went into the broken display. Joshua sliced his hand on glass.


Prosser said softly. “And everyone is saved yeah?”. Prosser looked to the body. Prosser looked to the convict. Prosser sighed.


No point keeping the charade now.


He pointed the automatic at the prisoner and pulled the trigger. The muzzle flashed. The gun roared. The huge body slammed back into the wall, busting picture frames and cracking the soft plasterboard. He shot again. The muzzle roared again. The body flew back again and fell in a bloody heap. The wall looked like someone had slapped a bloody porterhouse against it and let it slide down.


Screams erupted. People prayed. Voices fell back into stunned silence.


From where Tom sat, he could see a bloody mess in the belly of the huge man. There were little pinpricks of red spotting everywhere. On the glasses. On the wall. People wiped themselves with napkins disgusted. Prosser went over to the convict and ripped off the gag.


Ling was cowering in Elroy’s arms, shrieking into his coat. Ally squashed close against them, muttering repeatedly, “Keep me safe. Keep me safe.”


Kwaku had gone into himself. Flashes of Abdele and the last Christmas dinner with Uncle Takaru raced through his mind.


Rex Lemm, father of two, held a trembling coffee cup in front of his face. It had frozen there for ages. Rex had never believed in God. He desperately wanted to now.


The huge prisoner coughed blood. Eyes struggling to focus. Blood streamed from his nostrils.


Randall gazed around the room. He was scared, but he had been considering everything that happened. He had a theory. He looked to Jed. No. Jed had no idea. He looked to Jill and Meg, cowering along the linoleum half-crouched, not here not there. No. They had no idea either. He looked at Elroy. Elroy looked back. He stared across and shot the question with his eyes. Elroy looked outside staring in the direction of the garage, pointing with his head. Then Elroy looked back, and nodded.


The prisoner struggled to speak, chest heaving and frothing blood, “My name is... Lucas. Sgt. Ted Lucas...”


“... 3rd provost, up in Stancheon...”


“..My partner, Ed Prosser, is... dead.”


“...killed and left in a park...”

“...The man who just shot me is Josef Kaminski, our prisone..”


His breath broke loose and he slumped over dead. Randall and Elroy hated being right.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Following is the introduction of a story that I hope to complete at some point in life as a book with the idea to turn it into a script of a movie. Originally I intended it to be a script but found writing it in narrative was a better way to envision all the characters and plot ideas. I do reserve all the rights to this body of work and you WILL require my assent to use any thing that comes from this material for reproduction or otherwise. Yeah I know it's boring legalese but you are lucky at all to even read anything from this as I usually don't share my writing with anyone.

Without further ado, I present the introduction of...

The 45 Diner.

JOSHUA

The first time Hincks ever came to me with the idea I thought he was out of his mind.

He said, “Josh. You ever taken a good look at that bank on Holland Drive?”

We were watching the quarter-finals in some very comfortable but undeniably trashy sofa couches that we had taken off someone’s front porch on rubbish day. Still, it was an idea so I took a drive down to take a look the following Monday. And he was right.

Since the whole area in Holland Drive was café culture and air-kissing cheeks posers, the bank had gone for a “hip” revamp. Pseudo-modern architectural bullshit. The branch looked like a greenhouse bio-sphere from the outside.

I entered. A concave service counter and a staff access door on the right of the counter gave it the modern space-aged look. Banking in a bubble, pretty much.

I sat back as long as I could, bank deposit slip in hand, taking a look at the layout. The customer area was unusually spacious. Three sensor-activated sliding glass double-doors. Five teller booths. Access door on the extreme right, with a camera directly pointed facing it and the digital code access panel. Ceiling mounted TV sets told stock and share prices. The yen was down. Somewhere a nip was crying in his noodles.

There was 1 Rent-A-Cop on duty. I guess he was about fifty-five, probably drawing bottom of the barrel Rent-A-Relic wages. I made as if I was fed-up with waiting in line and left after I had seen all that I needed to.

I crossed the street and had a cheap burger. I waited a little after noon with my cheap take-away coffee by the street. Yup. Lunch time arrived and I saw a second guard coming out and going for food. Probably a surveillance guard since he didn’t have a holster on. Video guards hate holsters. They pinch when you sit down on your fat ass and watch TV on company time.

Tuesday. I built as good a layout as I could in Hinck’s backyard using all the old rusty fucking barrels he had lying about gathering dust and shit.

Wednesday. We worked out a preliminary outline. We practised and timed it. We decided two of us would look dodgy going in together. So I’d do the job alone. He’d look out.

Thursday. I went to a local supermarket and bought a ball peen hammer, blank accounting ledger, two cans of canola spray-on baking aerosol, bolt cutters, canvas carrier bag, bike helmet, laundry powder, condoms and a box of pins. They were having a back-to-school sale and in a sense, I guess I qualified.

A week after, we hit the bank. I must say Hincks had a brilliant idea with the car. He sat with the engine running around the back of the branch. I stood across the street, like the week before, waiting for lunchtime.

Like clockwork, the video guy left for chow. I crossed over to the bank and stepped in, by the right set of doors, taking off the helmet I was wearing after I entered. I leaned against the glass wall on the side, by the huge christmas tree that should have been taken down months ago.

Rent-A-Cop went into the video room and I made my way for the counter nearest to the access door. I told the counter lady I was riding despatch and needed someone to sign for. She went to get the registered mail ledger and the manager. I took out two penis shaped balloons of concentrated soap water and lobbed them under the slot of the glass at the video room door. They popped on cue being the lousy fucking rubbers that they were. My ex-wife’s voice said, “I’m pregnant” in my head.

The hammer busted glass and I vaulted over, blocking the access door and the alarm button next to it from the rest of the corridor. Overweight counter bitches yelped and cried. Rent-A-Mummy opened his door and rushed out, slipping and slamming his geriatric ass into a stack of new year giveaway calendars. Ho Ho Ho. I walked over to him easy and took his piece while he flopped around.

I shouted and waved the piece. The counter women opened their petty cash drawers, I told the bank manager to lock the main sliding doors and shut the power for them. “Just don’t hurt anyone”, he said. Took me all of 3 minutes to tip the petty cash into the bag.

Manager guy looked a bit pasty with my second request.

“Open the reserve”, I said.

No reply. I smacked Rent-A-Cop with the bolt cutters and then put the jaws around his index finger.

“Open the reserve”, I said a second time.

Bank manager stammered some lame excuse. SNIP! The old man woke up from his half daze and screamed. The finger wriggled on the floor like a bait worm. I smacked him with the cutters and knocked him out again. Some lady fainted. I put the cutters around the middle finger this time. The manager looked sick.

“Open the reserve”, I said again.

“Okay”, he said. His bluff crammed up his ass.

I put the money from the reserve in the bag along with the rest of the stuff. It was heavy but not unmanageable. Those days in the gym paid their dues.

I pricked a couple of holes in the baking aerosols near the push buttons and lit the gas. I tossed both cans into the video room. I stepped back over the counter with the fat bag and smashed my way out through the glass doors with the hammer. The job took slightly over 11 minutes.

I got to the car. I heard a “BANG BANG” like a starter’s pistol as the aerosols exploded. Hincks handled the money in the back while I drove.

“Hmm. What’s this?”

I looked in the rear-view. He had the guard’s revolver and a puzzled look.

“HO HO HO”, I santa-ed.

“You took his piece? Is it hot?”

“Yes”, I said. “and No”

20 minutes later. We were through city limits. Hincks hit the radio. An ad for the upcoming Chinese New Year came on the air. Some restaurant promotion gimmick. We were on the interstate by the time the first proper report came through. The guard died. Poor bastard must have gone into shock.

Hincks eyeballed the pile and came up with about 370 easy, maybe even 4. I said, “Thank you, Chinese New Year.” The news came back on and said the score was two-five. Typical lying fucks.

We slowed about 45 minutes out before the interstate proper and took a dirt road detour a couple of clicks into some private property. We took off the plates, took the “TAXI” sign off the top, stripped all the cab gear and put on different plates. Then we got antsy and put a good dent in the hood and a couple in a side door.

I took the hammer out and gave the hubcaps a few decent whacks and went a bit crazy defacing the paintwork.

“That look like a cab to you?”, I asked, sweating.

“Fuck no.” Hincks said.

We hit the interstate again. I wound down the windows and had myself a smoke.

“Jerry cans in the back?”, asked Hincks.

“Yeah.”, I said.

“How much gas we got in there?”

“Enough”

The road went forever in a straight black line with brown dust on either side.





AMY


I don’t care what any of them tell you. I love my boy.


When Joe came into our lives I thought things would be different. I was so sure. So sure that he would be a sticker and a good man. Even to the extent of calling Mom and telling her that I’d finally found a man who was not a complete drunken rat bastard like Dad or a complete fucking paranoid asshole like my son’s father. My first husband, Ned.


Jerry was born almost a month premature. His growth was stunted and he had bad eyes, along with a range of other problems. I remember being the only mother who had a two-page A4 list of multiple “Do’s” and “Don’ts” for the teachers when Jerry started pre-school. No aspirin, no normal soap, no strenuous activity, so on.


“Are you serious about this stuff, Miss Lattner?”. They had the cheek to ask.


He’s a real bright kid. He finishes books faster than I read my magazines. Joe reckons he takes after Ned, being a big brain and all.


Of course Joe never thinks I’m smart but I have the last laugh since I kept MY job at the factory while he got laid off when his company “down-sized”. Brainy or not I still brought in the money, not him. To make matters worse he was in HR. How pathetic is that? Getting fired in a job that does the hiring and firing.


It was hard going with the bills and Joe not being able to nail another job for months. On top of that Jerry had so many special needs. Every month I had to buy that soap for his skin. He has Eczema, you see. Then his glasses cost a bomb since his prescription lenses needed to be specially ordered. Add to that all the medications and supplements and visits to the specialists. It was such a horrible drain on the... hold on.


“Jerry, keep your arms inside the window”

“Yes, Mom. In a while....”

“Now, Jerry.”

“Okaaaaaay”


Where was I? Oh yeah. Bills. They were awful, but I managed to cover it somehow. I had to work so Joe helped out in the home and took Jerry to the park and fetched him from school. I was fine with that. At least, there was an adult around and Joe did help me with marketing and preparing the mix for my cookie business. It was a sideline I did for the money, and I dare say it did help. I’m so lucky that I learnt that from Mom or else I’d have no idea how we would have coped.


I guess the world is a mysterious place. Maybe there’s an angel watching over us or something but I swear if Carl hadn’t got his arm caught in that process moulder, my shift would have never been cancelled halfway, and I wouldn’t have come home early to catch that fucking bastard fondling my son in the shower. Ironic isn’t it, settling for someone who ends up being a god damned paedophile like the old man you’d taken so long to forget..


I went straight to the kitchen and got the chopper. See? I’m getting the shakes now even talking about it. I’m glad Mom didn’t press the matter too much when I called and said I was coming down. Well, at least it’s warm at Mom’s place. That’ll be good for Jerry’s asthma. She’s got a little pool out back. I hear swimming’s good exercise for asthmatics.


Okay. I got to turn in here for gas. Jerry needs to go to the toilet too. We’ll talk later alright? A double bed and homemade scones. That’s all that’s really keeping me going forward at this point in time.


“Jerry, wanna come into the store and see if they have any toys?”

“Okay mommy.”


Just look at him smile. I love him to death.


REX


Hi. I’m Rex. Rex Lemm. Nice to meet ya.


Yeah. I’ve been up and down this highway for years. I’m what you might call a seasoned traveller in these parts. I’m prepared for it. See? In here I got my driving gloves, and over here, I have my trusty thermos with my good old black-as-tar coffee. It’s one of the secret weapons I have on these drives of mine. Over by the passenger seat I have my corn chips. There are a few more tricks up my sleeve but we don’t have to go there do we? Let’s just say that they are more ‘Black Label’ in persuasion.


Yeah. You catch my drift, I can see.


The trick is to stay away from simple sugars. My coffee ain’t sweetened and I don’t eat chocolate when I drive. You go up and down like this if you scoff sugar on a long drive. Your system crashes wicked fast and then you’re fighting to keep your eyes open.


That’s what got Lenny in ‘96. They had to pry the Mars bars out of his hands when he nodded off and didn’t turn with the curve. Didn’t happen far from where we are right now either. He ate his steering wheel all the way up to the eyeballs. I had to break the news to his wife, so believe you me, I’m as far from nodding off at the wheel as you could ever get with guys in my line of work.


What do I do? Oh. I’m in sales.


Yeah. I’ve been at this since I was 18. My folks had 5 boys. Fancy that, eh ? Five boys and not a single girl. Dad was old school, being in the military and all so we learnt responsibility and independence real early.


Yup. I decided I wasn’t good at school so I packed my bags and went into the business early. Funny. Even at 18, I wasn’t the first one out of the house. Charlie was 17 and four months when he went into the Army. I guess he fancied Dad’s life. He was the fastest one off the old man’s wallet. Good on him to do so too.


I work for Lifetech. In fact, I practically AM Lifetech over in this region. If you open my wallet in the dash, you’ll see my business card. ‘Regional Director’. Nice huh? Yeah. I finally got enough together with a few friends of mine to go into business for ourselves. We brokered a deal with a huge Chinese herbal technology company to market their products over here as the sole agent.


They have everything. We can provide a herbal and natural alternative to anything you see being sold on television these days. You know those French ionisers? The ones with the quick burn coal tip that work for about 5 hours a time and cost a few hundred dollars? Well, look in the back. Behind my chair in the blue carton. Yup. Those are made in Guangdong. Cost about a third of the price. On top of the scents the French offer, we also have a variety of herbal fragrances that guarantee actual medical benefits.


Hand me that bottle by your feet. No, the purple one. Yup.


See this one here? This is Deep Tranquillity II, our newest scent. It’s got lavender, eucalyptus, ylang-ylang, and a whole mix of herbs that naturally promote and augment the effects of R.E.M sleep cycles. What it means is you get up to 15% more recuperative benefits in a normal 8 hour sleep cycle than you would with any other aromatherapy scent on the market. I could show you some articles but they’re in the back seat in my briefcase.


But yeah, there’s a lot more to Lifetech than just ionisers, we got all kinds of products for the discerning customer. Heck, this car is basically a pharmacy on wheels.


It took awhile to get rolling but I’d say Lifetech is a familiar name around here now. These days, I just drive up and down topping up stocks where they’re needed. Sometimes I see our distributors, you know? Conduct some face time. Have some lunch. Shake hands. Play a little golf and schmooze the top selling guys, stuff like that.


I could get people to do this shit now but why should I? I love the road. I find it exciting, you know? Driving the straightaways, music blaring on the radio, not knowing where you might make the next sale. That’s the fun stuff.


Once it gets to the office and you’re looking at monthly reports and shit like that, it just becomes like any other office job. I still do those things of course, but thanks to the technology these days, there ain’t a reason why I can’t do all that from the road. Here is where it’s at. On the asphalt.


After all, a salesman is a salesman is a salesman. Right?


Heck. Sometimes I even do a little of the good old door-to-door cold calling. And you know what? I still got it, pal! I still got it. I close even these days. I guess it’s easier nowadays with a product that I believe in rather than all the fly-by-night affairs I’ve had to work with before. You don’t get to be 38 and earn a decent living in sales if you ain’t good at it.


But it’s all bullshit, let me tell you that right now. If you know how to spin it, anything will sell.


What do I mean when I say it’s all bullshit? You want an example? Ok. Here’s one. About ten years ago, I was marketing magnetic mattresses. It was all the rage. Cured aches and pains, relieved insomnia, the whole spiel. I remember at its high point I was closing at eighteen-fifty a unit. Can you believe that? Eighteen hundred and fifty fucking dollars a mattress. Then that current affairs show did an investigative piece on it and it all went to shit after some experts claimed there was no definite proof of any benefits that we were claiming.


What they DON’T tell you, of course, is that current affairs shows are beau coup dollars for any “expert” willing to say what the show wants him to say on air. It’s just a matter of asking every expert down the line till they find the right one to put on the show. Sound familiar? Yep, we do it too.


And guess what’s making a comeback now, ten years later? Fuck me dead, you guessed it. Magnetic mattresses designed from the Oshi Institute in Japan. And I’ve been in this business for decades. You read past all the testimonials and expert prattle and basically it’s the same product making a comeback under different packaging and panel of experts every so often years.


Road stories? You wanna hear some road stories? Well I guess I’ve seen my share of stuff.


You’ll never believe me if I tell you how many times I’ve seen a head pop up from the passenger side of a car I thought only had one person.


Yup. Blowjob highways my friend.


When that happens, it’s usually the kids who drive along as they travel up the coast, you know? College and university types. You spot them pretty easy. Billabong windbreakers, Mambo T-shirts.


The more affluent ones drive up in their parent’s Range Rovers, Toyota 4 wheel drives, those kinda things. Camping gear and full loads filled with that kinda shit. Fishing spears, sleeping bags mashed up against the back window about to bust out. You know? Kids who are into roughing it out and fucking under the stars.


There’s a season for it, of course. When schools out, you get your share of kids mooning you. Sometimes the really cute girls flash their tits at you as you drive. Some of the rougher ones heckle you and throw cans and things, but we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Young, dumb and full of cum, doing all kinds of funny shit.


Sometimes it fucks them up. Kids getting wasted on homebrew, smashed against some telephone pole on the straightaway. Not that I’m saying it’s funny ha-ha, you know? Just funny in a sad way how they get all fucked up like that for nothing.


Aside from that, every now and then I see a passenger head pop up that ain’t female, you know. I just look away from that shit. I mean it’s a free country and people can do whatever they like. Just I don’t want no part of that near me.


Let’s see. What else?


You know the jokes about the bored housewives and travelling salesmen? Let’s just say that it ain’t a joke at all. I ain’t gonna lie to you, no sir. I’ve seen my fair share of action. I mean, why lie about it right? I mean I pull into these little fucking suburbs sometimes and you can just smell the repressed pussy begging for an out.


If some guy wants to pull fifteen hour long 8 to 11 shifts while his full-blooded wife’s sitting at home going out of her mind looking after 2.4 kids and is randy as fuck, you can’t blame me if they want more than just the 2 ionisers and some skin care products that I’m sellin’, right? Exactly. Demand and supply, basic economics at it’s simplest. That’s the way I look at it.


Hey, do me a favour and reach into the dash. Can you hand me those sunglasses? Yeah, the ones with the yellow lenses. Thanks.





KWAKU


Five years. I can’t believe it’s been five years so quickly. It feels like yesterday when I was waving through the glass of the departure hall. I remember Mama crying her heart out on Abdele’s shoulder. The whole family decided to come down so my uncle brought us in the panel van that he normally used for his marketing to the city.


I remember my father giving me the lecture.

“Son. Uncle Takaru and I have gone through a lot to get this money together for you. You take this opportunity and you make me proud”, he said. I hugged him and thanked him for giving me the chance to chase my dream.


When I first got here I was like a fish out of water. I remember the looks I got when I introduced myself to the other international students in the village. I was wearing uncle Taks’s suit and Papa’s blue blazer, (the one with the brass cufflinks) while these kids were sitting around without shirts and drinking beer. It still makes me laugh when I think of it. I was so naïve then.


But it’s been good since. I’ve had the opportunity to make friends with people whom I would have never met and done things I would have never thought I would do.


I would have waited for Djembe to finish his re-paper if I had another semester to go, to join me for this trip. Who would have guessed that the person I would first meet on the flight over here would come to be my best friend in college and university. My own countryman. I would have never bumped into him back home since he lives in the northern part of the country, on the other side of the police zone.


I’m flying off in April. This is the last opportunity I have to do this. I have promised Djembe that I would take many pictures and catalog my trip well, and I have every intention of doing that.


I also have a surprise for Papa when I get home. Not only have I managed to keep the money in the fixed deposit without taking any of the capital out, I’ve also managed to save some money from my two part time waiter jobs to pass to him when I get back. Taking in the expenses of this trip still leaves me with about $7000 that I can give him along with the fifty that he placed in the fixed D for my pocket money here. I can’t wait to see his face then. $7000 here will go a long way for my family back home.


He’ll say, “Kwaku, I told you that you didn’t have to distract yourself from your studies.”. But I know he’ll be happy inside.


I don’t understand how people like John and Troy can say that this beautiful country is boring. Maybe it’s because they are from here they don’t realise how blessed they really are. I love this country. I’m going to miss the weather and the people here. I’m already beginning to feel the aching in my heart when I think about it. Time has passed so fast for me. Soon I’ll have to leave and it will break my heart.


Just look at that view on your left. Beautiful rolling country, clear blue skies and the earth unscarred. No bullet shells, no rusted metal, no bodies. You never see country like this in my homeland. You never get a chance to just get out and go wherever you like, whenever you like, like I can do over here.


Back home, everywhere you go, you need a reason. Everywhere you have barbed wire fences and checkpoints. Some guy with a gun and a beret will ask you about your purpose for passing and which village you come from. If they see you have money they might ask you for some. If you don’t give them some, they make trouble. They dig through your things, maybe take something from you. If it’s one of the more violent factions they might beat you. You cannot do anything about it. It’s a way of life back home. Everything is rotten from the President downwards.


Meeting with people here in University, talking with them about their own countries has only opened my eyes to how terrible a place my home has become. My people don’t believe in government or law anymore. Democracy is on the streets. We take our matters in our own hands.


I will tell you a story. Hopefully you will not be as shocked as my housemates were.


Things are simple in my village. We live with simple rules. Unlike over here there is no official police. Sometimes you get border patrols but they are only around to keep the territory from changing hands. They don’t really care about what happens inside. We do it ourselves. The village is the police.


Basically when something happens everyone knows. Like the time Mrs.Mutumbu found a thief rummaging through her bedroom. I didn’t get involved myself because Papa doesn’t want me doing that kind of stuff. The villagers caught the thief and Samson Okuchu cut his hands off with a machete.


If it’s serious, we lynch them. It’s a simple system, but it works. How do we lynch them? You don’t know? Okay. I tell you.


The village catches you and we tie your arms around a pole in the town square. If you killed someone then the men will take beat you with whatever they find. Clubs, pipes, whatever.


How long? Until they get bored.


The women will spit at you and throw things. If you rape someone then they will probably cut your thing off or stab you down there. It’s quite scary. That’s why sex crimes hardly happen in my country. Some of the things I see on the news here, nobody would dare such things in my country.


Either way when everybody gets bored they will stack tires over you, douse the stack in petrol and set you on fire. It usually lasts the whole night and almost everybody will be wild and crazy when it’s happening. Mob fever, it’s scary but exciting. When I was younger, it was the only time I could go out bicycle riding with my friends at night. The safest time, and the most fun.


You look sick. Let me wind down the window for you. I apologize if I caused you any discomfort. Yes?


Oh. Why doesn’t it bother me? It’s my home. I’m used to it.


Well anyway, I thought this trip would be a bit lonesome without Djembe but I feel now it gives me a good opporunity to think about my time here and what I have lived and breathed in this great country. I’m keeping a journal that I will put on my website when I get back to my dorm at the U.


Yes. I am very sad about leaving. But as a vet back home, I’ll be able to provide a life that my family could never have wished for. I’ll earn enough to move us out of the village and maybe live in the city. Away from the guns and the smell of burning tires. Or much less of that, anyway.


I think Papa will like that very much.





ELROY


I got in early yesterday morning. Booked a room at the Raj like I usually did.


I figured since they were going to charge me a day’s rate anyway I’d might as well get the full day out of it. It’s not a posh place, the Raj, but I’ve taken a fancy to the place seeing how me first gal when I first got into the country was working housekeeping there. That was ages ago of course. Times were different then.


Back in those days I was living off scraps I could scrounge off the kitchen staff at the places where I was working security. Nightclubs and bars, straightening out drunks and wankers. Muscle work. Only thing I have been good at.


Anyway that girl doesn’t work the Raj anymore but I figure I liked the place anyway with or without her. Took advantage of my half-priced dinner voucher, had a nice Kilpatrick steak, watched the game, and piked after.


Got up at 5 this morning and checked out, drove to the airport and picked up Ling. That’s the lady behind us. She’s a pretty bird, ain’t she? Yes, I know she is. You don’t have to be polite. You’d like to pork her wouldn’t ya? Right. No need to tiptoe around it. We’re blue collars. We all work for our money here, no need for appearances.


But you know how it works, don’t you? No questions. No talking. No touching. Understand? You want anything from her you pay for it. If not I’ll have to straighten you out, roger?


I knew you would understand.


Now pardon me. I think the lady wants to ask me a question.


“Elloy. What this road call?”

“This here’s the interstate, Ling.”

“What is that?”

“It’s like a highway. You know highway, right?”

“Ohhhhhh. Okay. I understand. What the name call again?”

“Interstate. In-ter-state. Can you ‘ear me back there?”

“Een-tah-stayed. Okay.”


If you need me to tell you to your face what I do for a living, I’ll tell ya. I’m a pimp. Straight up, that’s what I am. That exotic woman you see in the backseat of my vehicle, it’s her second time here. She’s one of my “employees”. She chose to come back to work for me again this couple years. Guys seem to have trouble understanding that over here. Sounds strange innit? Coming back on her own volition to work with a man who solicits her out for intimate services?


I am a pimp, but if you think that makes me like one of them nigger knobs you see on television with the fookin’ music videos and sticking my fingers out weird like some kinda ape then you have the wrong idea. It’s a job. And I’m the sorta bloke who believes like any job, what ever it is, you try to do it well and proper. No fookin’ around.


See, with some of the other pricks of the same occupational persuasion as I am, they have a tendency to buy into some kind of egotistical macho role that comes with the aforesaid job title. They get girls and hook them up with drugs and gambling and all those kinds of shite just to get the ladies to stick with them and work more often for less money. They try to create dependence, you hear what I’m saying? They take perfectly good girls and turn them into fookin’ animals.


I’d tell you now, Bob’s my uncle, I wouldn’t be caught dead having to roger one of those filthy wasted cunts walkin’ around with a fookin’ needle in their arm. Fook that. Honestly. Doesn’t make any fookin sense to me.


My associates like Ling in the back there. I have respect for them. I know that my job is to facilitate their ability to service clients. Notice that I don’t call them my hos or my bitches or anything else derogatory. That’s just plain ignorance. I respect them, they respect me. It’s a job, we do what we have to, and we treat each other good.


I guess my ladies and I are practically friends.

“Ling?”

“Yes, Elloy?”

She’s got a beautiful smile, doesn’t she?

“Ling, we are friends aren’t we?”

“Yes. Elloy. We friends”


I’d started off just bouncing clubs and pubs. Then I did some security work on the side, and things just kind of grew from there to other things. The money was better and the hours shorter. I’ve seen my share of bad examples of this kind of work going wrong.


I knew a guy once, practically intro-ed me to the whole business. He had girls who weren’t half bad. One of them I remember was a part-time doing a double in Uni but found servicing Johns so much easier and better paying that she left the books totally. Anyway, he was a user, my friend was, so I guess the habit was actively passed on to his girls, you know? Take the edge off the ones with the more creepy Johns and to help his first-timers, that sorta thing. speedballs, uppers, tokes, even sculling codeine. Anything basically.


It ate him up Guv. The habit. Ate his girls up too.


It was ugly to watch. The habit cost him big dollars. Big D’s meant more clients. More clients meant more girls. More girls meant more shite to get rid of the edge. Needing more shite meant more big dollars. And so on.


I went to ID him at the morgue. He was 3 stone lighter than I had ever seen him alive. He couldn’t pay the guys he owed and they broke almost everything in his body and threw him into some dirty hole and poured lye over ‘im. Most of his girls didn’t last too long either. Most. The unlucky ones are working $20 pops in junkie alleys still alive.


Yes. Even the Uni gal. I tried to get her out, but she’s so strung on junk with some dealer that she’s never leaving him. I’d pop him one but I’m worried I’d go overboard and kill him.


See this knuckle here? Looks sick, don’t it? I busted it back in my bouncing days and they had to take the whole mother out. I’ve got a titanium bearing in there now. I try to stick away from clobberin’ Johns these days ‘cause there’s a good chance I’d kill them if I accidentally hit them wit this.


I think that’s all I’m going to say at this point. I gone a bit far talking about what happened to Muss and his girls. He was a good mate. A fine one when he wasn’t strung up on junk. I miss the bloke. The junk. The junk killed him. The junk killed my friend.





ALLY


Fuck. I am SO going to kill them when I get back. I really am. Do I look like a bitch you want to fuck around with? Do I? Assholes.


Is your window winding down? Ok. That’s the right button then. I’m having a goddamn cigarette. Those fucking bastards. God. They piss me off so much!


First, Julian tells me that Japan called and that the directors decided that they didn’t have time to go to head office to view the proposal and that the only opportunity to meet Satoshi and the VPs would be at the Trade Seminar proper. Something about a problem with the plants in Osaka and having to go back early. (Of course they only tell me this after I’ve touched down at Head Office’s side.)


Fine. Fucking well fine. I’ll just book a connecting flight. Hop on another plane, drink doubles for four hours and meet Japan at the Seminar. I can hack it. Or more accurately, Julian can, right? After all that’s what I hired him for. He calls and tells me he’s got me on the red-eye in an aisle.


“You can handle that right? Aisle seat for 4 hours? I know it’s not your style, but it’s no problem, yea?”, he says.

“Anything. As long as I get to Satoshi.”


No problem my ass.


The connecting gets turned round two hours en route because some prankster rings the carrier anonymously and declares a bomb on board. I grit teeth. I curse random people’s children. I smoke. I abuse Departure lounge staff.


I call Julian to do something but he says it’s easier if I try changing the tickets from my side while he does what he can over the phone. I ask the ticketing counter if they can get me on another connecting. It’s the least they can do right?


“I’m sorry Miss.Walker, there’s no carrier connecting till Wednesday”


Not a problem. I call Julian and tell him to reschedule. Cancel the meeting with VideoVan. Shift whatever’s possible to make Wednesday but he says it’s pointless. Satoshi and the whole fucking Japan directorship is flying off Tuesday evening instead of Friday now. I’m a fucking professional, I can handle that.


I call Max, his usual charming self.

“Yes, precious”

“Max. How badly do you want the Pizzicato account? I know I do.”

“Are we having a bad day?”

“No fucking shit we’re having a bad day”

“Then come back and we’ll talk about it.”

“I don’t have time for your horseshit Max”

“Ally, chill. Breathe, dear. You called me, remember?”

“Don’t dear me. Can you at least keep it professional?”

He laughs.

“You weren’t saying that last weekend, honey”

“That was a weekend. Act like my director for once. I know it’s a hard ask. Try.”

“Okay, fine. What’s the issue here?”

“The issue is we’re gonna lose the folio to Sales if we don’t close Satoshi quick.”

“So meet him then”

I tell him my problem. He says not to worry and do what I have to.

“It’ll cost you. I want to hear you approve it.”

“Yeah sure.”, he says. I know that tone of voice. His mind isn’t on the folio at all. Not one bit.

“It’s going on the company account alright? Alright Max?”

“Which panties are you wearing today?”

Fuck this. I hang up. He laughs.


I call Julian to charter me a flight. I say Max has okay-ed it. Getting to fuck me weekends when his wife’s away says so. I notice a run in my hose. Fuck.


“Private?”, asks Julian.

“No. A military flight. What do you think ? Of course, a private flight fag.”

“Meeeeeooow girlfriend”

“Shut up. You want to get fired?”

“Hey. No fair. I’m on your side. Stop bitching me.”

“Fine. I’m sorry.”, I say.

“Let me see what’s available. I’ll call you back. It’s 9... 10... 11. God. It’s 11pm over there? You better keep your fingers crossed. ”


I want this folio badly because I’m sick of Sales screwing us over. Chan is a shrewd bastard. He sweet-talks Max when they play the links at Broadmeadows. Gets him drinks and pussy, Max thinks I don’t know but he’s wrong. I just don’t care. I don’t mind fucking you, Max. But I draw the line at anyone else fucking me over when it comes to my career.


Chan cups Max’s balls. Max redirects all the good deals over to Sales. All the finished products that our side works on. Chan gets the kudos, credits Max for helping. Everyone else under Max gets screwed. Michael doesn’t care. He’s CEO. As long as things happen when he says so, he doesn’t care how. Chan and Max become golden boys. The rest of Marketing just looks incompetent.


Why fucking not? All Chan’s pretty young Sales airheads ever do is wear skirts two sizes too small and boob-flash their way with our packages. Packages WE create. Sales gets the deals and the commissions. We get nothing.


Forget about Max standing up for me or the rest. He doesn’t give a shit about all that. Why should he? He’s got golf. He’s got pussy. He’s sitting up there in his corporate fucking chair. He just doesn’t fucking care.


But I care. Fuck Sales thinking they can screw us over all the time. I also know it was Chan who changed Michael’s mind about me heading the Korean division so he could put one of his own big breasted floosies in the position instead.


It’s war. This time I’ll close with Japan and rip the 3 quarter mill right out Chan’s throat and hold it wriggling in front of his fucking gook face.


He’ll say, “Al, We should be working as one. Marketing and Sales”

I’ll tell him, “You tell Mike that I closed it. It’s mine. And don’t call me Al, fuckface.”


Should be that easy right?


Julian calls me and tells me to expect a big call soon. He has managed to scramble something up but it’s up to me to see it happen. The gook’s gotten wind of what I’m doing and is trying to jam me up. Almost as soon as I hang up with him, the cell rings.


“Ally? It’s Angela.”

CFO.

“Hi Angela.”

“I just spoke to your PA about you wanting to book a private flight?”

“That’s right. I’ve got to show a package to Satoshi before he leaves Tuesday.”

“Well. That’s fine.”

“Is it?”, I ask. CFO’s don’t call for nothing.

“Well the thing is. Chan says he spoke to Cheryl in Seoul and she’s going to Osaka to sort out the plant issue with them. She doesn’t mind presenting the Pizzicato folio to them for us there”


Fucking Chan. I keep silent.


“The plane is an expenditure that we can avoid. That’s all I’m saying”

“So you’re not going to approve it.”

“That’s right. I’m not. Sorry Ally, but I have to justify spending as well”

I feel myself getting flushed.

“So I can’t meet Japan then.”

“I didn’t say that. I just said we couldn’t justify the costs of the charter”


She knows. She’s just playing it neutral so Chan can’t get her at the GM.

“Just one question. How far is this Seminar anyway?”, she asks.


I get her hint as soon as she says it. I turn around from the ticketing line as I talk and right there is a Hertz.


“Thanks. I hear you.”, I say.

“Ally?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m rooting for you. You get that bastard.”


So here I am. You wanted to know? I’m telling you.


I’m having another cigarette. You want one? No? Suit yourself. This time tomorrow, Satoshi will be smiling and signing and there’s not a fucking thing the chinaman can do to stop me.


God. This brown dusty shit is getting everywhere. And I need some fucking coffee.





PROSSER


Hey. You hear that? Wait. Let me switch the radio off. There.


Did you hear it? It’s like a heavy rattling sound. Wait. I’ll get closer to the middle of the road. Ok. We’re cruising on 70 now. Listen. Yeah. You hear it too right? Sounds deep, yeah? Maybe the axle line is off or something. I really ought to get that looked at. These vans are really crappy sometimes. No air-conditioning, no power steering. It’s like driving a port-a-loo. Sounds like it’s getting worse too, whatever that sound is.


Okay keep quiet. I’m calling base on this. Check out the phones they gave us. Have you seen anything this clunky in years? This is the Army for you.


“Hello, Ops Room. Staff Prosser here. Put me to the DO please.”

“Yes. Who’s this? Lt. Stam? Hello Sir. Staff Prosser here from 3rd Provost. Yes Sir. Yes I’m on transport detail towards Kurt DB. I have 1 detainee with me, Sir. Kaminski yup. Kaminski. Yes. Sorry what was that again? Yes, it’s 37 degrees out here. I’ve got the windows down so you might have some trouble hearing me. I’ll speak up. Oh, okay I’ll check. Hold on, Sir”


Hey. Do me a favour, open that slot behind you and look in. Is the guy in there awake?


He is? Okay. He’s a big one isn’t he? Keep an eye on him. If he tries anything funny you tell me. I got to keep my eyes on the road. Sometimes he’ll lunge to the bars but don’t worry he can’t really do anything to us.


“Detainee, You okay in there? You want water? Just shake or nod.”


“You sure? Fine. You need anything just kick the wall. I’ll hear it up here.”


Okay close it.

“Sir? You still there? Yes. Detainee Kaminski is fine. Well, the reason I called is ‘cause the vehicle’s acting up and it sounds pretty serious. Yeah. If I had to guess I’d say an axle problem then again I’m no mechanic. Yeah. I got the vehicle from the TC at 3rd provost.”


“Well. That’s the thing, Sir. 2nd transport battalion is at least half a day’s drive away and I don’t think I wanna risk it breaking down on me before I can get it looked at.”


“Yes. Exactly my point, Sir. It wouldn’t be a good idea getting stranded with a detainee. There’s a civilian workshop not far from where we are right now, that’s why I called. Yes. By the interstate, that’s right.”


“I don’t remember what it’s called but I know it’s a workshop. Yup. I could sit around while they look at it. I think it’s a better bet than having the van crap out on us before we reach 2nd transport. Yes. Go ahead? Okay Sir. Yes I can handle myself. Not a problem. Okay I will call you after. You too, Sir. Bye.”


Ok that’s settled. We’ll have it looked at.


See this thing here? It’s the SWD. If I hit 90, it beeps. If it beeps 10 times in succession that counter under the radio will click up a number, then I’m screwed. That’s how they keep us from speeding. It’s a serious thing to click the SWD. So I’ll have to creep up all the way to the DB on 80-plus. Hell.


Do I feel like flooring it? Yeah, I guess I get that urge sometimes. Okay, all the time, but what can I do?


It’s blistering today, isn’t it? Damn. It’s hot.


Who is who? Oh him in the back. You sure you wanna know? Okay. He’s a section 8.


Josef “Animal” Kaminski, they call him. He was specialist-in-training with Infantry. Ranger conversion course. Completed the Sniper and Jungle Infiltration parts of his program but lost it in the POW portion of the course. He wigged out baaad.


Snapped his bonds. Broke one master sergeant’s neck, stomped another one to death and threw a third trainer into the Punji stake pit. That one is still in critical condition with blood poisoning, dysentery and all sorts of other dirty shit.


They had to pull two other platoons off their training modules in a combined sweep for our friend in the back. Guess where they found him?


He’d tied up one platoon guy in his tent and had blended into the search party pretending to look for himself. A good half day passed and nobody knew any wiser what with the camou paint on and all. Later that day, they merged with the other platoon and searched together. They pretended to call off the search and first chance he got, he sprang for marshland but got nabbed in a sting. The guy he impersonated had a brother in the other outfit. If not for that he would have got away for sure.


Open that slot again and look in. Don’t worry I’ve got a piece here and there’s a prod in the glove compartment. He won’t mess with us.


Is he still seating back there? Good.


You see his feet and hands? We had to make those iron clappers out of half-pipes because he kept snapping the regular ones. Had to gag him too. He tore the ear off the guy in charge before me. Real crazy, Kaminski, just look at those eyes. He’d throttle us if he had the chance.


Don’t worry. Those links are so short, he couldn’t out shuffle an infant, much less hassle us.


You wanna see something funny?


Hang on. I’m gonna tap the brake. Let’s put the animal on his face

“Woah! Sorry there, Animal. You okay on the floor like that? Nod or something. No? Okay then, might as well get some rest while you’re down there, buddy. Yes, I love you too. Keep looking at me like that and I’m using the prod on you.”


“You hear me? Look away.”


“I’m not going to tell you again. Look away. Good boy.”


You see this aluminium rod with the hook on the end? This rod extends a good 5 feet. It clicks onto his foot clappers and you can shove him around anywhere you like. He has to move. It’s easy.


He tries to be funny I can always kneecap him with this truncheon here. I’ve been with provost for ages so I don’t worry too much about how scary they get. I’ve handled a lot worse. If they really get wild, I won’t hesitate in shooting them either. You bet your last dollar on that.





TOM.


Finals are over! I’m pumped man. Utterly pumped. I put in my dissertation last week and I am DONE! Isn’t that great? I’m over the moon man! Hi-five! Yeah. Gutbuster this year is going to be sick.


I heard it was mad the last time but I had that Invertebrate Toxicology paper and I had to miss out. Not this year man. No way.


God. What do you mean what is Gutbuster? Which planet have you been living in?


Gutbuster is a music festival that they put on up the coast at the Wallace fairgrounds every two years. Everyone’s gonna be there this year. Ocean Jockeys, DJ Anatta, Smacks Fantastix. The works man. It’s gonna go off like the bomb. Lasers, booze, drinks, chicks. A 3 day dance mardi gras.


I heard from Ben that this year they’re gonna put on a little circus sideshow as well. Bearded ladies, midgets and that kinda stuff. A real Jim Rose sorta thing. Awesome! They got some guys from France putting up this installation art centerpiece as well.


Check it out man. Look at the pamphlet. That’s what they’re building in the centre. See that picture? Looks like a pipe organ yeah? Okay. Now take a look at that yellow speck in the corner. Look carefully. That’s right. That speck is a man, dude! That organ is a good eight stories high and it spits fire out of the pipes a good 30 feet in the air! Wicked, yeah? Anatta’s going to do a set with Tori Amos on the pipes. It’s going to be one sick mother. The biggest Gutbuster thus far.


I’m meeting my girl Michelle over there with Kenzo and the rest of them. They were finished last Friday and they’ve been staying at Kenzo’s folks.


Me? You wanna know about me? Well, what can I tell you?


I’ve just finished a double in Marine and Environmental science. I played in the campus water polo team. Yeah, we won a few things. It’s more of a pasttime for me though. Some of the other guys take it more serious.


Folks? Er, no. I don’t. My parents died when I was very young.


I was ‘assigned’ by social workers to and from homes as early as I can remember. I’ve lived with many families. A year here. Two years there. That kind of thing. I get financial assistance from the department. It’s a good system. If you want to get to university, you can. They’ll help you out.


Did I take away anything from it? Well. You learn to get on your feet quick if anything. As soon as I could I was working. Washing plates, cleaning toilets, anything really just to get work experience up. Got my first stereo at 14, first car at 17, then I went into a small surfwear business with Paul a year ago, and what can I say? I’m making a good life for a guy fresh out of university without parents. I don’t like to talk it up but I never was given nothing easy so I just went out and got it for myself you know ?


I love this Range Rover. I was given this by the last folks that I lived with. Probably the first gift I’ve ever been given, really. I still see them now and then. I’d actually worked with Robert as part of an exchange deal for the car. Kind of a “work-as-payment” deal at his property management business. That was just before I left them to live on campus.


When he gave me the keys and then the envelope I knew. I knew Robert wasn’t taking any money for the car. I won’t lie to you. I cried my eyes out and gave them both a big hug. You know how much one of these things cost? It was a big deal for me, even if in theory I had worked for it. The money he didn’t take was a big help in University too.


The surfwear shop? I’m a silent partner at the moment but that’s about to change. I agreed that once I got out Paul could go into school and I’d take over. Yup. Right after Gutbuster, that’s what I’m doing.


I’m so hungry. Do you know any place to get a bite around here?




RANDALL


My first gig was in some middle of nowhere place called Patience. Population of about 3000 people. It was surreal and I must admit, pretty darn funny.


David my agent, said he got us the Town Hall. So naturally I was thinking, well, “Hey, not bad for a first gig, town hall and all that, it’s could be a lot worse right?”


So here I am.


I have my wireless headset rigged and I’m mic-ing up, doing sound tests and the sort. I’ve got my demographic response charts on the slide machine. I’ve got my test audience statistics and my psychological evidence. I’ve got comparison lists with my methods against Robbin’s and Covey’s and how I’m different from all of them but better.


I’ve got my laser pointer in my pocket and David’s in the back tweaking the sound and cueing the inspirational music for the big show and I’m looking about feeling pretty good about it and then they walk in.


I kid you not, I swear just seeing them enter made me think that right outside the hall door was a stack of pitchforks 1500 high. Everyone wore clothes that looked like they were eventually chopped up and made into table cloths or vice versa. Denim overalls, workboots. It was yokel city.


When I spoke about the 5 levels of personal happiness I got a sea of people scratching heads. When I talked about shifting power from Groan to Growth, I had people raising hands as if it was a spelling class in Kindergarten.


I could imagine them saying,

“Sally-may, do you have any idea what this here gentleman’s talking about?”

“I don’t know Pappy. But maybe he haven’t got to the part with Jesus yet.”

“5 levels of happiness. Weren’t that a parable of some sort? Something about Moses?”

“I guess so. City folk are strange”


Well, given the whole joke that it was I was still surprised when David said we sold about half the videos and almost all the tape sets at the end of itl. Nobody bought the DVDs because obviously they probably didn’t have the players for them in Hickville, pop: 3000.


That’s when I knew I was onto a good thing.


I started of from a steady career as an investment consultant. It was fun for awhile but it just wasn’t my thing. Compiling portfolios for all these rich fat cats and their first-born sons. Months went by easy. All I had to do was follow the trends set by our firm’s senior investment committee.


June, put money in property. September, take such and such amount out of the T-bills. February, run with currency boom.


I mean really, if the IC said hold all fluid assets in March, what would you do? Obviously hold all fluid assets in March. You could get chimps to run the whole show. All you really need is a good tailor.


It was a chore. And I wasn’t getting any younger. I felt I was choking.


I’d always been into the whole fitness thing so it wasn’t long when I found myself finishing work early enough to spend more time at the gym. That’s when I met David, the manager there. He did sign-ups and tried to expand the clubs corporate clientele list. He wasn’t doing a bad job either. I guess he impressed me with his business savvy and keen eye for good prospects.


Okay. Who am I kidding? He had a nice ass and was really hot, alright? I wanted him from the first moment I saw him.


That just so happens to be number 1 on my list of “3 essential defence strategies in business situations” – 1.Stay close to the truth.


I took some courses in my free time and before I knew it I was a certified personal trainer. And David was no fool. He knew why I had gone through all the trouble. By September, he had moved in with me. I was delirious.


I had cut down on a lot of folios at the firm but I was still delivering a competively high return for my roster of fat cats so they kept me in a diminished capacity. Bill Maher, head of corporate affairs in NOL was one of mine. His son Charlie was also mine. Helen Arroyo-Sanchez, wife of Tito Sanchez the coffee magnate and his unofficial purse holder was not only a client but a close personal friend. I had a standing invitation as a guest every Christmas with the Sanchezs. My roster was pretty much like that all the way through.


But I had come to a second wind in my life and telling people I made more in a month then some of them did in a year and a half didn’t have that same sexy ring to it like it did back when I was 28 and a hot shot investment ingenue keen and hungry to make it.


David had also taken the gym as far as it could and the prospect of being shuffled over to another branch to start all over didn’t grab him by the short and curlies like it once did.


The idea hit us one night when we were in bed fooling around. Tony Robbins came on the late night home shopping show. Between both of us we had plenty of experience in business and corporate situations, definitely more than Tony. I mean have you even dug into who he was before the capped smile and tailored suits?


I had an account with the firm where my own money was rolling and making the same profit as Helen Sanchez was with hers. She was the shrewdest person I knew. She knew I was following all her decisions letter for letter and making money for myself on the side following her leads. She didn’t mind.


She was plesantly surprised when I told her what David and I had decided on doing with the money from that investment folio of mine.

“Absolutely splendid, darling.”, she said.

“Really? You don’t think I’m being foolish?”

“Do you think you’re being foolish?”

“I don’t know. Am I?”

“Randy, my dear. You’re a 43 year old gay investment genius with the penthouse suite at the Excelsior. You have two cars that even Tito has admitted he is jealous you have. You are dashingly handsome, charming to a fault , and you were a millionaire by 26.”

“25, actually.”

“You have an equally gorgeous and successful 33-year old roman god as a lover. No sane woman would even think twice about sharing carnal pleasures with the both of you. What are you worried about?”

“Helen! What would Tito say?”

“Tito is Tito. He wouldn’t care one bit. He’s half asleep half the time anyway. My point is, if there’s any two people who should be teaching others how to be successful in life and business, it’s you two.”

“I’m really flattered you’d say that. So should I go ahead?”

“Do I screw young boys behind Tito’s back?”, she asked.


I knew the answer to that. That was all the encouragement I needed.

Since that conversation with Helen two years ago, David and I have gone from strength to strength. I’m making more today than I ever could have with the firm. Tony’s spot on air was bought over by us and now I’m selling myself at 3am in the morning to the same insomniac couch potatoes who used to buy his products.


One issue however, was the gay thing. It wasn’t a smart idea to out myself so I didn’t. David and I did a study and it showed that my outing would affect the business adversely.


In my ads, I walk along the beach holding onto a beautiful Eurasian sun princesses. In my fitness books and videos, I’m surrounded by amazonian blondes . David and I also take every precaution to travel apart. He’s already at the convention centre across from the Pan Pacific trade seminar setting up for my corporate retreat there in two days time. We make every effort to avoid any chance of paparazzi so even when we stay in the same place, we book separate rooms and one of us always leaves a day or so before the other.

Is this more fun than investment consulting? What a question.


You bet your ass it is.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Dusted Days 10
(December, 1996)

In my soul, I am grumbling. This feels just like school. To be more exact, this feels like Saturdays at school, when you grudgingly whine about having to participate in your compulsory Extra Curricular Activity. Only thing is that I’m not at school, and this is not a school toilet.

Here I am, looking into a cheap toilet mirror. The glass is chipped at one edge, and the mirrored backing has worn off at parts, the corner of my reflected face is fragmented in a spider web configuration that follows the broken part of the mirror’s edge.

I carefully light the green circular tin can, heating up the bottom. I hold my little disposable lighter flame there till I cannot bear the heat any longer. The tin is the ouchies. I wince at the heat and I put the tin down. It clatters in that flat, hollow echo that is synonymous with public restrooms. I wait for awhile.

After a while, I pick the tin up and work off the lid. Inside is the dark green camouflage paste that has melted from its usual solid form. Carefully, using two fingers, I scrape up a bit of the coloured paste, and apply a dark line across the crest of my cheekbones. I look at myself, my face now having two lines of dark green under the eyes, like an American Football player. Not exactly the look I was going for. It needs work.

“Oi Saw. Here.”, my Malay friend nudges me with his elbow and puts a black tube at the edge of my wash basin. In return, I give him the can of green paste.

I pick up the tube and squeeze the dark inky paste onto my palm. I work it out and I begin to put dark dots down the centre of my brow and furrow line, all the way down the ridge of my nose...

I finish my look and it’s not bad at all. Quite convincing. I turn to face my compatriots. They give me the thumbs up. Ben Heng, (Yes. TCS Ben Heng) aka. Frankenstein, rips open a cheap packet of toy feathers. It looks like the kind of packet you would find at an old shop in Chinatown. Dusty cardboard and cheap plastic packaging, held together with one staple. He counts the number of dusty coloured plastic feathers

“Wah lan.”, he moans. “Not enough feathers.”

Another of our group comes into the toilet. In his hand he is carrying 3 pieces of vanguard sheet that have been glued/stapled together to roughly fit around our temples like cardboard crowns. The idea is to glue the feathers to the rings, making headdresses. American Indian Headdresses. Apache Headdresses. The problem is there are seven of us, and we only have material for three headdresses.

We are nothing but a bunch of worthless, bald headed recruits. This is Nee Soon School of Basic Military Training, and tonight is the CO evening talent time.

For the past few days, while our campmates have been slogging with practice drills and doing exhausting chores and route marches, the seven of us have had the luxury of doing nothing more than sitting in an air conditioned room, tinkering away on our guitars. The best part of all is that it’s sanctioned by the Company Line. All this time that Nee Soon’s been around, Alpha Company has been remarkable in the fact that it has never placed, let alone won anything for the CO evening. Its become something of a long-established joke in the camp and Alpha (or Apache company) as we are called, are desperate to break the duck.

This year Apache is surprisingly gifted in the musical department.

We have one semi-professional singer, one Malay wedding guitarist, one Peranakan Gen X-wannabe guitarist (Me), one Chinese thespian-guitarist (Frankenstein), one Indian guitarist, one Eurasian guitarist who speaks in an accent that no one can understand (He studied in Yankville) and one more Malay guy who has absolutely no musical bone in his body but reckons he can cut it with a tambourine (He sucks.)

With this incredible guitar overdose, the powers that be of Alpha company (that rhymes!) hatch a diabolical plan to bring CO evening to its knees. We are christened “the 7 little Indian boys” and we have been given 3 days, aside from the usual Army torture of exercise and verbal abuse, to get our act together. Since nobody in the actual company hierarchy knows anything about music, we are left to our own devices.

And so, we get down to the grindstone and we hammer out a set of 3 songs. Considering the CO and just about every senior person there is going to be as uncool as our parents and into crap like Barry Manilow and stuff, we decide to try the Eagles. And so we work at it. We spend whatever free time we have (In the Army, that’s not much), working on material and bandying ideas.

Finally we get our play list. It’s not exactly what I would love to play, but for a night off and 3 days of shirking duties, I’d even play Whitney Houston.

1) Hotel California - Eagles
2) La Bamba – Richie Valens
3) Love will keep us alive - Eagles

We are finishing our practice on the eve of the actual event when I’m asked for input by the band.

“Saw. The song, this part a little bit empty. How?”, questions our O fearless leader, as we jangle away in the cosy air-conditioned briefing room. Its funny, but somehow vocalists always wield so much power in a musical cooperative.

“How? Like that lor”, I answer shrugging.

I try to persuade him to get the wedding music guy to come up with a solo, but everybody else including the wedding guy doesn’t want him to play another solo. He already has three. They look at me because I’m probably next up in the hierarchy. Not really thinking about it, I say “Sure. I’ll play a little something” and I just shrug it off again. I hardly worry about it at all.

Until I actually do start worrying, then I curse my thick-headedness.

Now with not much time to go, I’m standing here in front of this mirror, with paint on my face, and I’m absolutely bloody terrified. It’s about half an hour before the show starts. Who am I kidding? I CAN’T BLOODY SOLO!

Guys who know me through music know that I can write songs. I can write rhythm licks and play them. Heck. I can even sing somewhat. But for the life of me I have never in my entire playing time, ever managed a proper solo, not one that arises from that place in guys like Jimi Hendrix, you know what I mean? I’m not one of those guys who can get an artistic hard-on and then proceed to play the musical equivalent of an eargasmic 279-note doggie-style exhibitionist sextravaganza by feeling alone. I just never seem to remember the shapes of scales on the fret board. I can play a solo by rote, maybe. But seeing how this solo in “Love will keep us alive” doesn’t even exist in the actual song, I am screwed.

So for me, trying to solo is like the inaugural sex with someone new. Every bit is nerve wracking and you only realise how lousy you were, by the degree of silence when you finally finish, if you manage to finish at all.

The rest of Alpha seems to have faith in us and other than the solo thing and the guy who can’t play a tambourine on time even if someone held a revolver to his head, every thing else is hunky dory. The PC even sends two non-players home to get their guitars when he hears them talking about having them. All of us can tell that Alpha wants this bad. It’s going to be our necks if we suck.

The two poor joes come back with their instruments. One is a sweet looking Martin guitar and the other is a pretty fine 12-string. I decide to ditch the $15 Mat Yoyo guitar that I borrowed from someone in camp and use the 12 string. It is like silk to my ears. I am one man, playing two guitars at once now.

Snap back to reality.

The hall is jam packed. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Hotel, Kilo, Ninja... the list goes on and on, company after company are marched in and packed into the hall. The first bits are formalities, the CO addressing us about being recruits, and our responsibilities to our country and so on. I glance over and look at my fellow Indians. We look like idiots. With permission, we have torn off our training vest sleeves to look rugged (actually we just look destitute), and we have worn our number 4 trousers, so we all look like Guile from Street Fighter. We did the obligatory war paint thing as a homage to our company call sign. Alpha Company. The Apaches.

Of us Indians, the ones with headdresses look like peacocks. O fearless leader has decided to hijack most of the feathers for himself, so he looks like Old Chief One Broken Horn with a long feathered train, while we just look like parakeets who have been left alone for too long, moulting and in serious disrepair. One feather here, two feathers there. I have one feather, and I look like Pocahontas. It gets on my nerves and I pluck it off.

“Here Chief”. I hand the irritating thing over to fearless leader, “you just got promoted.”

The night gets underway and I guess because it IS the Singapore Army that we are talking about, most of the acts frankly, erm, suck. Here’s a sample of some of them...

There’s some lame sketch about Army fashion, where they get recruits to walk out in various prohibited combinations of the Army uniform. Things like a long four shirt with PT shorts and slippers, or a singlet with helmet, boxer shorts and boots. You know, Stupid crap. Then some guy voices over like it’s a catwalk in Milan or something...

AV: “This combination is fabulous for the modern soldier, combining elegance and sexuality in one simple yet flamboyant combination”...

Erm okay. It just looks like a towel, shorts and a bar of soap to me. I feel pity for the guy modelling. He should have killed himself yesterday. “I’m too sexy” plays in the background and when the skit ends, the audience does not clap as much as it does sigh in relief.

Another skit has the people of Delta company working overtime backstage. They have 4 recruits standing on lockboxes on stage, the rest of them are behind going crazy with the lighting intensity knobs. Some techno garbage is playing on the AV and the lights are going on and off like strobes.

My best guess is that its some kind of dance performance where the dancers kind of swivel around with their hips where they stand, while the lights go spastic. Music Box Dancer ‘96. The music is sickening Chinese style techno and I guess nobody from Delta company thought about doing an end user value study when they thought about this monstrosity. The CO is whispering into his assistant’s ear. My best guess at what he’s saying is “I want urine tests done for this whole platoon.”

As the night progresses, I am steadily getting more concerned, I run through the finger positions in my head, trying to visually photograph every step that I had thought up in practice before we got to the hall. I glance at my watch and I’m clammy in the palms. Why didn’t I just beg wedding guy to do it?

The night progresses. Hotel company do a skit where they cover their heads and draw faces on their bellies. Each belly button is a mouth and each set of nipples are eyes, with makeup to finish the caricatures. Then they have some dialogue thing in Army lingo and the bellies jiggle as they talk. Its cheap toilet humour but it works, everyone laughs. The Army is not a breeding ground for high brow types. Turd jokes rule in this part of town.

One other act goes on stage and plays some musical number and sings. I do believe its Jamiroquai. The guy tries to perform and play and almost pulls it off. He has balls for going up solo, but unfortunately he cocks up his playing and straight away, gets a whole number of boos. The crowd are imbeciles, but what do you expect? It’s the Army.

Finally we’re up and for some reason, we’re the last ones to go on stage. We do a short skit where we come out all disorganised and Broken Horn plays the Sergeant, telling us to get in line and all that. We get the chuckle here and there. Tough crowd. We decided to cut out the comedic horseshit and settle down. We pull out the chairs and settle down, tuning and mic-ing up. A slight hum grows from the audience. They are growing restless, but are exercising restraint because we look fairly interesting with 5 guitars on stage.

We start with “Hotel California”.

As soon as the tambourine begins and the first plucking notes of the song begin, the roar becomes deafening. Seeing how most of my Army batch were predominantly of Chinese education, I certainly had not expected this. As I play, I feel my face getting red hot. My blood is heating up and the creeping feeling of hairs beginning to stand undulates up and down the back of my neck. I have had this feeling before. This is the rush of performance adrenaline. It is exquisite. The five guitars swim between each other effortlessly, the layers of melody ebb and flow as the mood of the song steadily fills the hall.

One Horn hits the mic and starts to sing and straight away the audience cheers. He is smack on pitch and the spirit of the song is too tempting to resist. We were right on the money with the songs we picked. I have to physically stop myself from unconsciously speeding up as I play from the rush I’m getting. It may be a cliché, but in music, when everything clicks and a group of people play as one, the results can simply floor you. I’m playing and even I’m floored.

An echoed staccato fills the ambience of the hall. The mob have decided to clap along with us. I can hear some in the crowd singing along. The Chinese educated ones. They sing along loudly and with gusto, and like the karaoke videos that taught them the song, get almost every single lyric wrong. But it is ok lah. Rock never die (sic).

The song ends to a thunderous applause. Time for the next one. I play the intro to La Bamba. I’m the only one who knows the riff. On a twelve string the riff takes on a whole different dimension, but the madness continues, the crowd sings alone with each chorus

“LA LA LA LA LA BAMBA ! LA LA LA LA LA BAMBA Oy esposito”... It fades off very quickly from here on in. I don’t blame them. I don’t even know most of the lyrics myself.

The clapping continues through the song though, which is a god send considering Tambourine dude is crapping up a simple 4/4 beat with masterful non-precision. Somehow I think he wanted in on the group for the off pass and not for his playing prowess or some musical ideal.

La Bamba ends and now its time for “Love will keep us alive”. Tambourino sits this out, we deny him the pleasure of mangling this rhythm like he did previously.

The slow song starts, and unlike the rest, the crowd goes silent. This is not an audience participation song. This is a song that reminds you of missing girlfriends and lovers on the outside. I think about my girl, Chloe, once my closest female friend and now a testament to the fact that sometimes, best friends don’t necessarily make best boyfriend/girlfriends. But that’s another story altogether.

One Horn is masterful. Holding his hand over his heart in the same pop star fashion that would have panties flying on stage at Tom Jones, he nudges, caresses, lifts and drags the audience through the performance with his voice, which is pretty f-ing good. I never thought a Malay guy could enrapture such a large Chinese audience, but somehow, he’s done it. He sings on. Carrying through the second chorus and then I prepare for my solo.

Crapfucky! What the hell was my solo again ???

I am seconds away from my grand 12 string guitar solo and I’ve forgotten the damn thing. My flushing face is now almost on fire. My mind is thinking a hundred things at once. I search my memory for the patterns and shapes that I had visioned before, but they are not there. I’ve got no time.

Oh god.... I’ve got no fuckiin time!

...will keep us alive”, One Horn ends his part, and turns to me with a smile.

Time to dance, little monkey.

First note, seventh fret. That’s all I know at this point. I play and as I play that note I rack my brain to craft the shapes following that note. I have never done this before successfully. I am begging. I keep on playing, so far no death. Pleading with the spirits of guitar playing to grant me this one moment of illumination. One moment against all the times I ever screwed up a solo in the home, in my playing ever, in my life. Still no death. This one time I fight, for every single note that follows the last, trying to remember where I had gone wrong in the past, the places I had gone off the tracks and slammed headfirst into the wall of the wrong freaking notes. I’m still alive.

I lay it all down the line. I need this now more than ever. The eyes are on me. The song is on me. The spirit of this night and the seven of us, rests on this moment, I cannot fail. Like a tap dancer on a sea of broken glass, like a game of minesweeper, I wade through the numerous death-traps that lie in store for me on the fret board. I play this solo like its going to be the last solo I play in my life. I bend strings to pitch, I try simple arpeggios, I do mad things that I would call myself crazy at even trying, were it not for the fact that a lot rested on this moment. This 16 bars are frozen for me for all eternity. This is the day I took a leap of faith into the divine. The day I laid it out on the line for the music. I could have failed spectacularly, the equaliser was all on me and everyone listened. And terrified yet faithfully, I kept playing.

My solo ends. One Horn smiles and turns to finish the song. I can see a moisture in his eyes. The solo was not only unblemished, it was beautiful.

Then like a wave that hits a sand bank, the cheers and applause washes up in a tide that sweeps me, bathes me, and takes me to a place that transcends the cold grey walls of this Army Camp, past the stupid, ignorant faces of the officers, past the glare and headlights of the stage. My spirit is soaring, and I am drunk on the bliss of my heavenly experience.

It is one of the moments when I feel the love for something greater and purer than light. Purer that any words can ever express. It is a place that is all that is beautiful and uplifting about the power and humanity of music.

And this moment is all mine.

Several hours later...

It’s almost a fog in here. The smoking area is unbelievably loud. One Horn takes a big swig from the bottle of champagne, and hands it over to me. I take the bottle from him and swig too, laughing as I do. Charles the platoon clown retells the story of our performance to a packed smoking box of people, in Hokkien of course. Tambourino and the rest are handing out Kit-Kats to the rest of Alpha. Some get a piece, some break a piece and share the chocolate. Some are humming “Hotel California” as they finish their cigarettes and head up to the showers. Frankenstein, me and One Horn all suck back deeply on our cigarettes, exhaling deeply and delighting in the post performance buzz.

“Oi. Saw.”

I glance up from the steps and it’s the Platoon Sergeant. He holds out the passes for tommorow evening off. I take them from him. “Finished so quickly?”, he asks, looking at the green cellophane that is all that’s left of the prize hamper, lying in the trash bin. We nod casually, motioning to the goodies that are being shared all around now.

He shrugs it off. He leans in to me and pats me around the shoulders then drops something in my lap and walks away. I faintly hear, “Good job guys”, as he leaves. I pick up the trophy from my lap and look at it. The inscription reads:

To: ALPHA COY
BMTC (NEE SOON)

C.O’s EVENING
DECEMBER 1996
1st place
CHAMPIONS

Dusted Days 9

(February 1998)

Hmmm. There’s a spot that’s discoloured.

I am lying on my bed, looking at the ceiling above me. The birds here do sound weird, alien sounding. Hooting or cackling? Both?

I struggle to find the right term. Birds don’t hoot-cackle like that in Singapore.

I strum my guitar and look at the room around me. The whitewashed brickwork betrays the Spartan nature of the room. My belongings lie in a spot on a shelf, fastened in a bracket on the wall, and in a basket under my bed. This will be my home, for the next year, at least. My parents flew off this morning and have gone back to Singapore. Strange. I don’t really miss Singapore at all.

The table is Formica layered. Cheap and disposable. The room is long and rectangular. It looks unnaturally narrow. There are two beds in the room. Mine, which is occupied, and the other, which is currently empty.

This is Edwards College Student Village and I’m about a week early for the school semester. The village is virtually empty except for me, and Mustafa, or Mus for short. Mus lives in the room across the hall. He is Indonesian but is Middle Eastern by birth. He is skinny, with a rat like face. He looks untrustworthy and sneaky. He has only come out once, when my folks were over to take a look at my room. He said all the right things in the unwritten code of housemates, allaying my parents queries easily.

But I know. I know that being a good little student is probably the last thing that goes on in this college. I absolutely can’t wait for the mad stuff to begin.

I lean back on my bed and think. Finally, I am out of Singapore. I’m done with my service to old uncle Harry the bastard. My citizenship is restored and I’ve “earned” my stripes as a Singaporean. Whatever.

I heard too much of the same things from people for me not to believe it. They all say the same thing. Perth is boring. Perth is drab, dull and eventually, “All you do is stare at the four walls all day”, as Karin Goh put it.

I have no idea what Karin Goh is talking about.

I’m pumped. For the first time in my life I can do anything I want. I can stay up late. I can take drugs if I want. I can grow my hair long and keep my long awaited goatee. I can party all night and sleep all day. I can burn out, rather than fade away…

Sorry, I just had to fit in that line somewhere.

So I bask in my new found freedom, lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling, thinking of all the things that have come before me, and all the things that have passed. I think of my time in the Army and the good people I met. I think about my life so far and how coming to Perth signals a new beginning for me. A new slate to draw a new picture. Kind of like being reborn. I feel that nervous anxiety that always seems to come from the first day of something new.

It is the same feeling I felt during the first day of Primary 1, first day of Secondary 1, First day at IBMEC, First day being a botak kenchi in Nee Soon Camp. First day at work, and so on. I make it a point to remember this day. The day I laid on my bed in Edwards College and looked up at the ceiling, listening to the birds cackle-hoot on a cosy, task free Saturday afternoon.

Wow. First year university. Never thought you would make it that far did you Darren? I make it a strong mental note that I absolutely cannot allow myself to screw up in College. Nothing would crush me more than to go back to all the bitchy friends of my mother, who would have a field day with the gossip and the “I told you so”s.

Its ironic how they sit close to each other and share chummy chummy conversations but every now and then, they get together and all they talk about is whose child is the biggest f_ck up of the lot. They relish these things, yapping and bitching about each other’s children.

Its their way of restoring importance with their lives, best parts of which have flowed down the domestic drainpipe of being good mothers and wives. I’ve respect for mothers and wives. But no respect for the bitching. Not at all. Get a hobby, or get an affair, do either. Screw the talking about people’s kids like some arsehole tabloid magazine.

Like Tyler Durden said, “We are a generation of men raised by women, I’m beginning to wonder if another woman is what we really need.”

So I make a resolution to myself. No screwing up in college.

This calls for a cigarette. But I have none. I need one really badly.

Hmmm… Mus looks like a smoker. But I hardly know him. How am I going to broach the subject? My criminal mind begins to revv in overdrive. I think and I open my room door and listen in the hallway.

Woo… faint sounds coming from his door. He is playing mp3s on his small Compaq laptop. Hmm. Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I plan my move.

Ten minutes later, Mus is stirring. Sounds like he may be coming out for something. I kick my door open and nonchalantly play the riffs for “Under the bridge”. I even play the couple of embellished notes that are a pain to reach. I hope I catch his attention. I look at the fret board, making sure my notes are clear. I pretend to be concentrating when I can actually play this song in my sleep. I look frank and ernest. I hope they don’t look back.

“Wow. You are quite good at guitar huh?”, he says, standing in the doorway. I just mumble some ineffectual modest answer that I always do.

I don’t consider myself good, but I know at least I can play something, after all I took it upon myself to learn from scratch about 6 years ago. I play a bit more and just smile and make a half assed comment about just playing songs for fun. Of course its for fun Darren, what the hell are you smoking?

Nothing. Which is why I’ve fallen back on making stupid ineffectual comments. Damn nicotine is such an evil master.

I just smile at him. It’s obvious he’s stunned. Usually the ones who can’t play are always floored. But as honest and cliché as it sounds, anyone can play the dookie I play, all it takes is practice. Who says you can’t do anything with a blockheaded stubborn attitude?

Guitar is not the Mauna Kea of music instruments. Its fairly easy to teach oneself. Really, its true. Don’t take some stupid Yamaha course at $40 for half hour. It’s a rip-off.

I took organ lessons in my younger days. It was expensive, it was constipated, and eventually it was the very thing that killed off my love for wanting to play the spleen, liver, gall bladder or any other organ for the rest of my life.

Yamaha, I don’t know how they are like now, but back then it was incredibly stuffy and systematic.

My organ teacher, Sally: “Okay Darren, what do you want to play?”
Me: “There’s this song by Nirvana.”. I let her hear it.
Sally: “Erm. Okay. Oh look! Let’s learn to play ‘Little brown jug’, okay” ?

The least she could have done is at least attempt to fuel my interest. Teach me the god damned Tori Amos version at least, bitch.

But no, even if I can learn it, when it comes to grading time, besides testing to see if you got hearing like a dog (Ok Darren. Take off the blindfold and play the note that you just heard. Oh. Good boy!), and seeing if you can read squiggly Tau Gay notes fast enough to play them back, they also let you choose between playing the exam pieces Little Brown Jug I, Little Brown Jug II, and Little Brown Jug III.

Eventually I put away the kidney and refused to do anything with organ lessons. I cried, I bawled my eyes out, I declared insanity. And finally the day came when the Karung Guni man came and took away good old Yamaha model whatever electronic keyboard lung thing for $50.

Music is one thing you can’t learn under the stress of time limits and half hour classes. Teaching myself to play was arguably the best decision I ever decided to do. There was a real sense of satisfaction when you hit the ability to play, and nobody can or has managed to take that away from me. It’s a fine thing to be able to hear something in your head, write it down, play it, and if you want, record it in the future. It’s even sweeter when you teach yourself, because when you arrive, it is entirely the fruition of your own spirit and balls. Maybe I’m over dramatizing it, but it’s the little hills you climb that you remember in your life.

There never was anything so beautiful as the labour of creativity. Imagine Michaelangelo as he painted the Sistine Chapel. Imagine Tolkien just as he finished writing Lord of the Rings. Imagine Lennon, writing Imagine.

If we get a high from these things now, imagine these guys when they finished creating them. There are simply no words to convey such exultation.

Back to Mus.

He asks me if I can teach him, and like anybody who has ever asked me to teach them, I agree and refuse any discussion about money or payment. The gift of sharing music should never be at the expense of money. Anyone who is not professionally trained should have no right in making money of others like that. Unless you paid to learn, why should others pay to learn from you? That’s my opinion, anyway.

But I’m a bastard and tell him that I wouldn’t mind smokes if he had them, though.

Mus offers me Marlboro Reds, something I personally have never smoked or preferred to smoke, but beggars choosers and all, I take the pack, and smoke with him on the veranda. Mustafa is happy that I can teach him something to play. And I’m happy because my plan for fags worked to a T.

What can I say? Everybody’s got a weakness. And like any smoke you get after you’ve run out, this is the best one I’ve had all day…
Dusted Days 8
(1992)

“Eh cockernathan! Can you go over the bloody ledge or not?”

The malay instructor is pissed. He looks at me in indignation as I tremble-shamble backwards, gingerly over the rocky outcrop. The sun blazes overhead and the heat is being reflected off the hot white rock, making me perspire profusely. My legs are spindly and spider-like, and chatter like twigs as I inch my terrified body towards the chasm of Khazad-Dum.

Well, it might as well have been. I am no man yet, only 15. Imp just a kid. A little bloody kid. And I’m scared as heck.

My heart races in my chest. I fumble with the strap around my chin, making sure its fastened properly. The carabineer and rope around my waist and groin tightens as the man holding the safety begins to taut the line. I struggle to breathe.

Breathe Darren. Breathe. I’m close to the edge of the ledge, where the rock ends and nothingness begins. A long way down the side of the rocky face. Bits of shrub and green pepper the face sporadically, but for most parts, there is nothing but rock, to which I can dash myself to bits or miss entirely and plunge to my demise.

Welcome to the Outward Bound School. This is abseiling and the hill is owning my ass.

This is the second day of a 3 day/2 night OBS tour. I love camping, the prospect of going somewhere to rough it out with mates and friends, living under the stars and shedding the shackles of city life. It’s the smell of greenish water, the sting of a mosquito, the peel of your skin as the sunburn wrecks havoc on your shoulders and neck.

This is life. This is living. There is something Spartan but spiritual in taking a cold shower with a block of soap and drying yourself off with a rough towel that you don’t usually use. There is excitement in taking a steel tray to take food from a cookhouse, having food slapped onto your tray, like a convict. Like a slave. MSG does not flavour the life of the thrill seeker. This is a taste of utopia where mother nature is the boss with no hesitance in kicking you in the nuts to remind you how powerless and insignificant you really are.

Just like I am feeling right now.

The thing that really gets to me about abseiling is the fact that for you to stay in control as you descend, you have to really kind of lean back and keep your feet evenly in front of you. Its very much like how you would look if you sat in a really comfortable TV couch. You got to really throw your back into it and lean back, you know, stick the legs out.

Great right? Comfortable? Would you like a beer? Easy as pie yeah?

Fuck off.

That’s like the last thing I want to do. I’m looking down at the fifty or so feet and really, my body does not want to sit out and lean my very fragile and delicate spine out into the air. I am pretty sure that tempting Newton‘s law to reach towards me and stifle the little insignificant flame of my life is a very bad idea.

“Hurry up lah Pondan!”, yells Saddam Jr.

Okay he did it. He threw down the gauntlet. I’m going to have to die now just to prove that I have balls.

As I go over, the image of a rope snapping and Goofy going “Ah...hoo hoo hoo” becomes a frightening reality. The first thing I notice is that as soon as the rock changes from horizontal to vertical, it gets a bit more slippery on account of lichen and moss. There is another line running parallel to mine and another instructor is about halfway down the rock face on that line, assisting the Malay one on top with not much more
than the insults at this point in time.

You control your descent using a rope that goes around your side. You pull this rope under your ass to brake. You pull it away from your ass to accelerate. I cannot even begin to imagine what those rock climbers are like, the ones who have no cables at all and just use a bag of chalk and climbing shoes and proceed to climb rock formations in Arizona.

I mean, I’m like SO thankful I have this here ass rope and some guy keeping me from becoming Asian flavoured Ritz bits.

What are people like French rock-climbing monkey-man thankful for ? Imagine being half way up Mt. Smashingpumpkin and maybe you get a little sleepy, or you remember you left the oven on, or suddenly you need to take a dump? Chalk has a lot of uses I guess but I don’t think that many. How are you going to be thankful then?

I am repeatedly told that I don’t lean back enough. Its hard when your body locks up and refuses to do what your mind wants it to...

Mind: Erm, dude. You are going to have to assist me. I have to lean back more such that I can muster a stable footing on the rock wall. Can you help me?

Body: Ok let me get this straight. You want me to go against my natural instincts to purge all my waste deposits and throw my internal body balance to the wind and just lie back and you will “master” this hill of rock and stone?

Mind: Well... sorta. So how about it buddy? One for the team, bro?
Body: Get fucked.

As a result, I do a mixture of both. I lean back but not enough, I am not truly upright yet not quite in the desired “L” shape. And so I begin to descend. Using my ass rope brake thingy I make it down slowly. My footing is unsure. There is no adventurous soundtrack to my struggle like in the movies. No big budget John Williams score and no pounding orchestra personifying my struggle of man against nature. All I hear is the creaking and popping of the rope, as it tightens and tauts with my descent. I assume these sounds are natural, but they freak me out nonetheless. My feet are at tip toes as I inch my way clumsily down the rock. The mynah birds call away in the distance. I make it about a third of the way down, when I’m stumped.

As it is my heart is already going like a spring bunny having sex. Below me there is a protrusion of rock, sticking out like a mound, and below that is a deep indentation with moss and undergrowth. This rock face is not very even at all. How am I to descend? I am scolded again and told to kick off the rock face and rappel down, SAS style. You have to be in that position where I am before you realise how difficult it is.

I decide to negotiate around the mound, to move to a flank and hopefully circumvent the whole ordeal of pushing off and ending up halfway below the mound and clocking my lights out on the resulting protrusion, which would hit me squarely in the face.

I take the first steps, pushing to the side. The rope groans but its okay. I take a while to gather my footing. I feel growing confidence, now the soles of my feet are in full contact with the rock face. Hmmm. Its not THAT bad I guess. I get around, almost round the side of the mound . I feel good. I have outsmarted the hardest part of the rock. I am deliriously happy. I was worried most about the overhanging rock bit.

The rope suddenly cracks and whips me back to the centre. I had the rope pushed to one side and the force might have just been too much for me to keep at. Either that, or I suspect Saddam might have had something to do with my sudden loss of control. It doesn’t matter now, cause I have lost my footing and am hurtling right for the outcrop. I spin like a top, round and round.

Without footing you are aimless and thus I do all I can to prevent christening the rock with my bloodied teeth. I put my one free arm in front of me, the other holding on tightly to the ass rope. I slam into the rock. My arm stings and stars swim across my eyes. The instructors are shouting something but I cannot hear them. My fear has completely taken me over. My heart is going 300 miles per hour. And people below me on the ground, my other campmates are laughing. I can see them. Pointing up and laughing, nudging each other with knowing elbow jabs and winks. I would have loved it if all my pals would call out to me and encourage me instead of laughing at me and making
jokes.

I am under no delusions. I knew this was going to be the only way I made it down. There is a very fine line between testing one’s limits and being stupid and getting owned. I can make any excuse I want for completely screwing up my attempt at abseiling. The truth however, is simple.

This is not who I am. I am not a wilderness survival combat junkie. I do not derive the pleasure that some get from climbing rock or jumping off a cliff or any of that crazy crap. Maybe there is a high from the activity, that I can understand. But knowing whether you are Tenzing Norgay or Average Joe Schmo has always been something I was familiar with. I know my limitations.

In a movie perhaps, I would have had some kind of “Mighty Ducks” moment where I gathered my resolve, tightened my belt and proceeded to abseil the rest of the way down head first, screaming “Freedom!” or something like that. But reality has no save game function.

I keep struggling downwards. My elbows and hands are bloodied from pushing off the rock. My watch face is smashed. I am completely out of my element here. The instructors are now shouting at me to just lay back so they can just lower me down easy.

I do not lay back. I end up in the brambles a couple of times, thorns and weeds scratching my skin and drawing more cuts and bruises. It is like watching a kitten fight a pit bull terrier, sickening and without reward. Inch by inch I scrape, drag, and slaughter myself in order to get down.

Finally I reach the ground, falling in a tired heap. My knuckles and palms are bleeding, and sweat is streaming from every pore in my body. I feel no more celebration than the fact that I am on the ground again. I am tired and drained emotionally, and physically.

As an instructor undoes my gear, he takes the opportunity to give me the spiel about whether I found it great and exciting to successfully make it down or something like that.

Of course as he says this he knows that he does not truly believe what he is saying. I can see it in his eyes. He and everybody saw the hill cane my ass, chewing me up, spitting me out and costing me a nice watch. It was the Mickey mouse one with the rotating hands.

Finally the gear comes off and I look up towards the face of the hill that beat me. I knew I had it coming. I knew I was not prepared for it. I knew I was going to lose. I took the hill on its terms and I got massacred. I was defeated and knew I was out for the count. I would have loved it if I could have actually taken the offer and let Saddam and the others baby me by stretchering me and letting me glide the rest of the way downhill. It would have saved me the embarrassment of further humiliation and mockery. Not to mention skin, blood and a decent watch. I am sure of it now. I am not an outdoors adventurer.

But if I have to go out, I’ll go out. Break my legs, crack my head open and slit my throat if you have to. I’m never going to go out like some punk bitch.

That is also something I am not either.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Dusted Days 7

(1997)

I am about to die. Really, I am. There is no way I’m gonna survive this. I'm either gonna die because something has ruptured, or die because of the utter embarrassment I will suffer about this to the end of my very days.

One omnipotent question plagues my mind with the utmost universal importance, hammering into my skull with revelation-like significance.

If I knew this answer, the heavens would open up and the Archangels would draw swords of flame, singing symphonies of exultation for all eternity.

The question is...

"Will my bladder explode internally and send poisonous piss flowing all over the inside of my body if I keep holding on like this?"

You see, I am in a tour van to Haadyai. Since 7.30am this morning, this minivan of about 5 families including my own have departed my uncle's home in Penang for a drive up from Penang, through the Thai border, towards Haadyai.

Penang as you know, is the undisputed capital of sweet beverages. I kid you not.

If say, you were to stop reading this right now, and you would go to any coffeeshop in Penang, and order a black coffee, it would arrive with about a pound of cane sugar sitting at the bottom of the porcelain cup, and that's AFTER stirring. The same goes for any other mixed beverage you could order there. Teh Si Peng, Teh Peng, Kopi Peng, Cham Peng (1/2 coffee 1/2 tea), Milo, Horlicks, etc..

Everything comes with 1 bucket of sugar. Well, unless you ask for less or no sugar, in which case they only put in half, a bucket.

Read my lips... "Di-A-Be-Tes"

Unfortunately, If you have ever been to Penang, you would realise that not falling in love with the food and drinks there is a human failing of Mohammedan proportions. Resistance is futile. Char Kuay Teow, Kuay Teow Tng, Lo Bak, Muah Chee, Har Mee, Ju Hu Eng Chye and so on. There is NO way you can safely go to Penang and not eat the hawker fare there. Well, same goes for the drinks.

Maybe its the fact that Malaysian coffee and Tea is so deliciously over percolated and burnt to perfection in Penang. Maybe its the fact that you are sitting in a steamy, grimy hawker centre, smoking deliciously cheap Malaysian cigarettes, leaning you weight to stabilize the ridiculously bent aluminium table, while trying to keep your sandaled feet from touching the wet, stinking market floor.

Maybe its all of these things. But something about Penang makes people turn into pigs.

Anyway, after leaving my uncle's place at 7.30am we decide to go to Cross street to take the best Char Kuey Teow in the galaxy. Here we go, 5 families of my parents friends and their children, sitting in a van, talking about how Malaysians are SO in love with Phua Chu Kang and doing impersonations of PCK himself. Somehow I always envisioned travel as a Hemingwayesque activity with the class of solitude and romanticism about it.

"I’m sorry Sir, there are no more tickets for 'The English Patient'. Would you like to watch 'Dude Where's My Car', instead?"

So we arrive at Cross Street. This van of the Brady Bunch-lahs. I decide not to go nuts with the food. But I absolutely LOVE the Teh Si Peng in Penang. So I have one, and another. Now, I’m not a stupid person, I know the ride to Haadyai is going to be 7 hours at least but surely there are toilets if one REALLY needs to go.

Just in case I go to the loo anyway.

Now, if you have had the experience of ever travelling upstate from Singapore northwards with your family you would notice one thing.

Its like watching the reverse of 2001 A Space Odyssey

You start with the urban metropolis, Singapore, all steel and concrete and uber clean roads and infrared cash card readers and all that jazz, you got your nice clean toll booths and robotic people, McDonalds and Glenn "bloody" Ong and all the other recalcitrant tossers on radio, then you hit JB. Rewind about 30 years. Noisy non filtered scooters and motorbikes. Petronas stations, Large Paper advertisements...sigh, nostalgic. Suddenly the word "Awas" jolts itself back into your memory.

Cigarette Ads. Thank god. Salem high country with the half malay-half eurasian looking model who grins into the wild yonder of the matt background mountains. Kedai Electronik Lee Yong Pak. 90 sen Roti Chanai. Petrol stations with water pumps that say "Air". Cheap smokes. C'mon now, that’s like the very FIRST thing anyone who smokes does the moment they step in matland. Buy cheap ass bloody non over-taxed tyrant free fags.

So on and so forth. Open face motorbike helmets. Thank f-ing GOD! Open face beige motorcycle helmets! Little Tan Ah Whatever, driving around in his vespa, "put put put"-ing around the little roundabouts, plastic bag stuffed in the back helmet box, brown shorts and regulation generic black sandals, sucking on a nice old Lucky Strike, swearing under his breath in some teochew dialect.

Welcome to life.

Move further up north and "it" begins. The twenty year legacy that PLUS took to build, which is STILL not finished. The damn highway. Straight roads, plain stupid green rest stops and makan places. Nothing of real interest.

You hit Malacca and its back another 50 years or so. But in a weird way, because Malacca now is like a state sized version of what Clarke and Boat Quay are.

A plethora of quaint little 2 storey shophouses that have become trendy little Starbuck-ettes for you to sit by a marble topped table probably older than your mother, reading the International Herald Tribune or latest Chuck Palahniuk while the streets putter along with the strange mix of Volkwaagen convertibles and 2 ringgit Trishaw rides.

You walk along and you come to Heeren House. No. Not the HMV Singapore. The original Heeren. They sell anything from old charcoal irons to "I love Malacca" T shirts, to obligatory Tourist garbage like Chongkak boards and random brown photographs of some Nyonya family long extinct since the time the picture was taken out of the termite-eaten abandoned bureau from which it was housed.

My maternal great-grandmother lived in Malacca. She was still alive when I was young. She only spoke Baba malay, as did I. I spoke to her and she adored me. I must say there was something I loved about her. Something you share, across the reaches of time, that can only be conveyed in a hug, or a "usually gross", grandmotherly peck, or "Chium", as we called it. And there's always that smell. The "bedak" (powder that they use). But she was a sweet old lady, very unassuming. Naive, yes, but don't we all wish for that kind of peace when we hit her age.

She had a really strong prescription for her glasses, but there was something serene about her when she sat in the shadows of her second story room, looking through the wooden louvers down to the bustling Jonker Street below. That is the image I always carry of her. Sitting by the window, smile on her face, slats of light and the aura of experience. Respect that needs no command. Move over, Dame Judi Dench

Something about memories always ties in with food. I guess its an Asian thing. Food is so much more intertwined in our memories than with Western cultures. Malacca for one, is the place for Satay Chelup, Nasi Kari, and Wanton mee (or Kong Lo mee).

Wanton mee in Malacca rocks. You sit at the coffeeshop. And they seem to ALWAYS be positioned at street cornershops. Some guy who is DRIVING along the road in a motorcycle/mobile stove (yup that's right) will scream across the throng at you whether you want some good old Kong Lo. He'll park on the fringe, traffic will slow to an ebb since half his stove is sticking out the side of the street. Nobody really bitches about it though. He makes the noodles there as you watch through the sweltering afternoon heat. Steaming ladles of MSG laden soup. The beautiful handmade wantons. He flips the noodles in that semi flourish, semi nonchalance that comes from doing something as a trade for a long peiod of time.

He crosses the street, risking evisceration by the flatbed lorry that just honked him and serves you right at your table. All that and you pay him 2 ringgit. Bliss or what?

You slurp down the gorgeous noodles, sucking on your cheap cigarette, sweating beads down your underpants and legs, (God help you if you're wearing jeans) and for that moment, you kind of understand why white expatriate dung beetles don't want to go back to their god damn countries. This is just simply, too good.

We carry on up the highway, the good old robotic highway that is the universal attempt of every country to signal the beginning of modernization. The I20, M1, Autobahn, you name it.

Up the PLUS highway we go, hour plus... Hello KL.

Now I remember the drives up to KL, BEFORE the inception of the PLUS highways. You want adventure? Those were the days.

Imagine this.

You are about 11 years old. Your father drives a Mitsubishi Ex-Tredia. For all intensive purposes, your Optimus Prime Transformers toy has more structural integrity than this car.

The power windows are not allowed to be wound past halfway, because they will not wind up again past that point. The air conditioning only works if its not too hot. You are along Yong Peng, driving, no let me rephrase, hurtling down a trunk road at about 130 km/h.

This connecting trunk road is an industrial one, so here you are, eyes closed into slits, coated in a fine layer of brown dust kicked up from the dirt road, as the 5 lorries of jelutong timber rumble in front of your dads flimsy old ex-tredia. Your insides have been reduced to gelatin by the constant reverberating and bouncing due to various potholes, gravel and dead animals that litter this Liberace of roads.

Between the heat, the brown crap in your eyes and the headaches that rack you from all the black diesel fumes, you wonder in all honesty... "Could puberty really be worse than this?"

Dad is feeling confident in the car, because he has a new pair of $200 tyres and just had Wing chun Auto do a wheel alignment and servicing on the car before making the drive up.

The AA batteries on your $40 Sony Walkman Xmas present are beginning to die. 2 Live Crew sings "Meeee sooooo Horrrrnnnnaaaaayyy" in a stretched out chorus as Dad decides to gun the milo-tin aluminium frame of a car into "overtake mode".

Being a trunk road it only has 2 lanes. Yours, and the Grim Reaper's.

He swerves out, his eyes inching past the side of the lumbering lorry, past the hanging iron chains and the bamboo poles with red cloth hanging on them. Just about to see the other oncoming lane. He swerves back.

-Voom!-

An oncoming car shoots past, followed by several others.

He waits a moment. With your brown dusted eyelids, you squint tighter as more brown crap is kicked up into the air, a rough patch of gravel on the road.Something just got into your eye, but you don't want to rub it in case its a random iron filing and you rub your way into Stevie Wonder's best friends diary.

Dad guns it again, and the car struggles to comply with his need for speed.

"Urrrr" the engine growns as the needle slowly inches up from 120 to 122...123...

A horn blares from the opposite end of the road. He swerves back

-Voom! Voom! Voom! Ehhhhhhhhhhputputputput!-
3 Cars and a scooter.

He does this dance a few times. In your mind, you see a figure cloaked in black, polishing a scythe, tapping its foot impatiently, smoking a cheap Malaysian cigarette.

A sudden stretch of clear road appears across and the road takes a slight C-turn

Dad floors it and the engine screams rather than growns.

The car cantankerously aches as it struggles to accelerate. A full car load of 4 people with flasks of coffee, multiple bags of chips, pillows and blankets, hurtles towards its unflinching date with destiny. Almost past the first lorry,

Oncoming headlights flash from across the brown miasma. A long prolonged horn sounds just as the lorry driver relents and slows down, offering a gap between his front bumper and the next lorry.

Welcome to pre-Highway Malaysian upstate driving.

Anyway, in all honesty, I have never understood the whole vibe about Kuala Lumpur. If you asked me to imagine KL city, first thing Id think of is the Lot 10 building, Brannigans, Hard Rock Cafe and Jalan Ah Lor.

Later on of course they got the Petronas building, but really, I dont see the fun in KL at all. I guess they do have some nice things sorta, like Bangsar and the whole pub thing, and maybe the here and there food stuff like Bak Kut Teh and HK Chee Cheong Fun but unless its F1 season or you are into shopping, KL is quite forgettable.

I used to have a place at Mont Kiara, at Taman Sri Hartamas, it was cool being able to walk downstairs to Coffee Bean and have a Pure Vanilla while smoking Salem for 2.20 ringgit.

KL is a swell place to go with a f-buddy. If you wanna live it up relatively cheaply, and bang your nights away, KL is the living end.

Have you tried to take the public bus in KL? Don't. You will never ever live down how scary that can be. Trust me. Ever had that feeling where you boarded the wrong bus but out of some morbid and sick fascination you decided to stay on and see if further on you would stumble onto some landmark relatively familiar?

To put things briefly, I ended up in Klang. There were no stops along the ride I was on. Actually, there were no bus shelters along the way. I’m surprised they never asked for passports on the ride, because when I got off, I swore I was like Sam Waterston on the set of the Killing Fields.

In Klang, there were people on iron bicycles selling Arowana fish in plastic bags that they had caught from the various longkangs and streams. Forget that. These people were selling Luohan fish before the craze a whole decade later.

So up from KL to Penang. I know some of you might stop by Ipoh. But I personally have never been there. Although I hear that crayfish hor fun is THE thing to try in Ipoh.

One day. One day, I will make it a point to see EVERYTHING in Malaysia. East Coast and West Coast. Well, maybe all except for Kelantan. That place scares me.

Ah Penang.

I have to admit. The first time you cross that bridge, its an experience. The Pearl of the Orient, they call it. Then you smell that pearl. Penang has a lot of swamp and marshland, so during low tide the muddy smell is really strong. Strong enough to look at the person next to you and give him/her a interrogating gaze.

Was that from you???

Penang is Scooterville. you think JB had scooters? You aint seen nothing yet. Penang is like the Malaysian official state of Vespa and all its cousins. And there is something undeniably sexy about Penang gals. Penang women have like the most awesome legs. Being a legs man, I can attest to that. There is a weird sexual energy that comes from seeing a hot Penang gal in a skirt, with a hint of leg, straddling a scooter with her back arched straight, perfect posture, with her beautiful face underneath that open face scooter helmet with a hint of fringe accompanying her beautiful wide eyes and pearlesque skin. Fair skin beauties are a trademark of Penang.

As you noticed I mentioned skirt. All this modern crap has killed the fashion of the skirt. I'm not talking one night stand trampy mini skirt either. A nice long skirt that hints at a figure, ending somewhere at knee level or further is the absolute zen of the Penang beauty. That quirky Penang Hokkien that lilts and harps brings a renewed wonder to an otherwise guttural language. Anyone who has heard the local Singaporean trash Hokkien slur can attest to that. In Singapore, you almost expect the sentence to end in the sound of someone spitting a wad onto the sidewalk. Not in Penang.

In Penang, the right Penang beauty speaking can make you want to rip out your still beating heart, put it in a nice glittering box, dress it up in fancy ribbons, and present it to her along with a wedding ring and a prolonged contract promising unending, wedded bliss.

The Penang beauty has legs and an ass to kill for, flawless light skin, and the eyes that could melt the heart of Lenin.

Oh, and unless you are a local or formerly from Penang, do NOT attempt to drive there, because I'd give you all of 10 minutes before you completely lost your mind. No, make that 5, no 4..

Just don't drive there. Trust me. Blind corner scooter overtaking you from the left? Just another normal thing on the streets of Penang. Not to mention parking.

One sad thing about Penang now is that Gurney Drive is no longer what it once was about 7 or 8 years ago. All that state driven parking and tourism commision clampdown crap has shut down what used to be an awesome carnavale style bazaar atmosphere of knock off T shirts, CDs, Cassettes, Snacks and Desserts.

There was absolutely nothing like walking down the gasoline powered lighting of Gurney drive, chomping on your 1 ringgit worth of muah chee, looking for a copy of KLF's white Room album, while wearing your 4 ringgit Bodyglove T shirt and knock off Levis 501s bought from some guy who sold Polo Ralph shirts with 6 legged horses.

Fast forward where our story had taken that meandering segue.

So. 2 Teh Si Pengs and one loo visit and we board the tour van thingy for the drive up to Haadyai. This would be my first visit to Thailand. And I was pretty excited.

It was like 2 hours into this drive when I felt a niggling sensation. The Tehs were creeping up on me. The Thai border was looming any time now but I was worried. The PLUS highway had ended a long time ago and we were on a trunk road, like the days of old. But then the reverse time machine struck again.

There was slowly no more dirty trunk road. There was no road, period. There was just dirt. We were driving along dust rumbling up and down like a the party wagon of the Ninja Turtles.

I had grown silent about an hour before. The unpleasant feeling of needing to go had turned into a yell.

Bladder: "Oi! Must pee! Must pee! Who the hell ask you to drink two Teh Si Peng?"
Me: "I’m sorry lah, but we were leaving Penang, no more Teh for awhile leh so I drink lah"
Bladder: "Ok then. You want to be the hero? Now I laugh. I will laugh when you cannot tahan and pee yourself in this van with 5 families sitting around you. Congratulations Teahead!"

And so in silent scream I fought and wrestled with the demon bladder. Unlike Malaysia, the roads up to the border of Thailand are not lined with acres of rubber trees or that kinda crap. Its all flat, paddy field no shrubbery kind of dirt. Which means if I pee along the side of the road. Everybody 500 metres around me can sketch a picture as I do it. There is absolutely NO COVER at all.

And I’m dying here.

Coming to the border we ask if theres a toilet availible. Yes, they do, but the lanes are packed and theres no where to park without hindering traffic. The border guy looks at me funny. Maybe its because my face is kind of purple and one eye is twitching spasmically.

The driver tries to assure me by saying there is a reststop 45 minutes past the border. We can stop there.

I wanted to whip it out and pee right there on his bloody forehead.

1 1/2 hours later, the thoughts "long term damage" and "internal hemorrhage" run through my mind. It takes all the effort in the world to sit still and will my sphincter from not unleashing the Great Flood of Noah. I have long since broken my silence to the rest of the passengers about my plight and am rhythmically banging my head against the jamb of the van's sliding door.

My abdomen pounds with my pulse. Throbbing in pain, I grit my teeth and swear that any moment now I won't be able to hold it and I'll pee the very life out of me. Screw this people. Screw face. Screw self respect. I'm dying. I'm physically doing myself damage for not going since 4 hours ago when the alarms started ringing. The Thai driver plainly chuckles and makes some stupid joke in his broken English. One of my father's friends takes a thermos and trickles hot water into a cup in front of my face. Another does a stupid whistling thing.

I imagine how much laughter I'll get if I pee right on his little 5 year old boy. Trickle that asswipe.

My vision blurs and time seizes to have any meaning for me. All I can think of is the pain. And control.

Hold on Darren. Just hold the f on. I swear each minute seems like an hour. On the left and right of me, the horizon is an unbroken horizon of greenish brown dirt. No mounds, no hills, no shrubs. I remember seeing a buffalo once. I actually consider taking a leak behind this creature but i wonder if getting that close will startle it into going schizoid and goring me to death in a hail of horns, blood and piss. Its a risk I’m willing to take, but the driver says he can't stop here as its a highway.

Some f-ing highway. No lines, no margins, not even a bloody road.

After what seems to me like 30 agonizing minutes, the driver says that there is a small coffeeshop. We can stop there but we are only 15 minutes into Haadyai proper. My mom makes it clear that we will stop. I say nothing. One word from me and I will lose control and pee on everyone. We stop, and I look at my watch. It wasn’t 30 mins at all. It was more like an hour or so. I must have been in so much pain that I lost track of time.

I give the waiter an evil eye and motion to the rest of the group. Take their order instead, leave me alone. I shove people aside and hunt in the back of the place for a toilet. There is a little shack away from the eatery. I enter and then I see it…

Forget cubicles or doors or even bowls. One hole. In the middle of the ground. Rolls of toilet paper hanging from a pole hammered into the dirt a short distance away. Telling from the foot prints I can tell that this hole has a 360 degree range of clientele. I guess its the newest thing in Third World chic. Unisex salons, clothes, now toilets. One hole for everybody. King Mongkut would be so proud.

As I finally get to go, I actually have sparks swimming in front of my eyes. It hurts like a bitch holding on for so long. Out of a morbid curiosity I stopwatch how long I’m gonna be at this. I'll never be so busting to go ever again in my life, so I might as well know what the world record is gonna be.

4 minutes 53 seconds. Those numbers will be etched into my brain for all eternity. You try peeing for almost 5 minutes straight. Not with a yardarm of beer could you do this. A once in a lifetime event. Definitely.

As I zip myself up and hobble away with my painful nether regions still hurting, I look back at what has got to be the most terrible looking place I have ever had to go in. There is a pail with some water to wash hands in. But the water is maroon and I dont see any soap anywhere in sight. Seeing how the rolls on the pole have long since emptied, I decide that Cholera is not really something I want to take back as a souvenir from Thailand and this remarkable hole which I shall henceforth name as the Doom Chasm of Thailand.

I am off to find mom and some alcoholic handwipes. I go back into the shop via the backway but I stop short and look up at the hand painted sign hanging above the doorway.

"Well Come 2 Haat Yai"

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Dusted Days 5a
(Feb 2000)

It is night time at Kent Ridge Park. We sit under a pavilion, the view of Keppel Harbour a strange comforting sight. It is a mix of romanctic beach and ugly technology. It is a Detroit or Seattle kind of image.

Like the youth of our time we take the opportunity to celebrate anything with booze, cigarettes, foul jokes and good company. Some of these guys have grown up with me in Normanton Park. Some are friends I met in school. Our pavilion overlooks the many dark carparks that litter the area. It is a lovers lane sort of place. Its fun in a "stand
by me", voyeuristic kind of way. We look at the many cars with their fogged up windows and newspaper covered windscreens. Some cars have already started their steady bounce. Love is in the air, in the cars, and probably nicely positioned to avoid the much maligned steering wheels.

We always start in the pavilion, looking down and laughing, then we get drunker, some idiots like Adwin like to throw rocks and bricks at the cars.Its an idiot kind of enjoyment. Not really my style. If we dont succumb to the stupidity of vandalism, we usually start to creep about, hiding in the bushes or making very little sounds,
peeking just over the windscreens and laughing whenever we see something naughty, it never is quite as frequent as we'd like it to be, but its a kick.

"Wah... This couple finish already"
"Hehe. She lying on top of him sial sleeping"
"Haiyah pity she not naked"
"Hmmm, her khaki pants quite tight hor"
"Yah man quite the... Oi She not wearing pants lah!"
"Guys guys."
"Oh shit. Zhao! The fella wake up liao"

-Insert loud old man cursing and death threats here followed by boys laughing and bush scampering-

Its wicked fun. The darkness. The bush. The headlights of cars. Running throught the grass peeking over windscreens with the ever present risk of the people inside being wide awake and pissed. I always wondered why these people didn't just go home and do it. Most of them were not teens so they really would be no reason to play creep-about in some dodgy carpark in the middle of nowhere. Only later on would I learn from my ex about the thrills of exhibitionism and the thrill of maybe getting caught in the act...oh well.

One year was particularly scary.

There were only a few cars and a lorry. We had scoped out one car, with an amorous couple about to get down. The lorry was 3 lots away, parked, so we had crept towards the car, about to peek in.

This chinese guy with tattoos all over him sat up in the empty lorry and started swearing, he then took a machete out and started chasing us. He was pretty darn fast too

I remember running like crazy, leaping the stairs down hill 4 at a time. We all were running. This guy was way beyond mad. If he ever had caught one of us. I am sure beyond believe that someone would have been seriously hurt, if not killed, that night.

We only did this on special occasions. Chinese New Year, New Year, when all the mates could get out to party. We were in our teens and Kent Ridge Par was directly behind Normanton Park, my old place. Trust teenage ennui to think of such entertaining
exploits such as trekking the 200 odd steps up the back of the ridge to the carpark to harass couples trying to get down to some nasty. It always begun that way. Booze in the estate till 10pm or so, then off to the ridge, hassle the lovers till near midnight. Walk around and smoke, talk smack, drink some more... Then onward...to the piece de Resistance..

The Haunted House of Kent Ridge Park

-to be continued-
Dusted Days 4
(Mid 2002)

She had gone. The only girl I had truly loved. Name your cliche. Envelope of memories? Check. Airport Departure lounge? Check. Promising to keep in touch? Check.

Unfortunately for me she was the more prepared when we parted. I can say whatever I want to justify why it hit me so badly. But in hindsight, I have to be honest with myself. I was in denial and I couldn't bear to see it end. Even at the 11th hour I was still clinging to the notion that somehow, something would hold together and that her leaving would not signal the end of my rhapsody of her. Its funny. 2 years on and I still
feel the twinge when I think of her.

I am over her I'm sure. Over in the sense that I know we will never be together again. But still. There is a feeling I get, a mood, a niche, an echo of emotion, a ghost of what once was a burning,bright flame. I guess there will always be residue, always a niggling, when I hear a familiar song, or place, or movie. Very Pavlovian, but very true.

The days after she left I spent in a stupor, walking a tightrope between unfeeling and feeling too much. The mood was distinctively surreal. Perth in the dead of winter, noone around. Emptiness in all the ways.

I remember that moment with trepidation. It was the lowest and most painful moment in my whole life. I still remember the pain which is so strange. Because you actually "feel" something. Right in the pit of your stomach. That hollow acute ache that does not dissapate at all. You try to sleep as much as you can. Forget it all. Sleep. Sleep it all away. But then there always is waking. You try to time it to get more daylight.

The worst are the nights. The nights overlooking the darkness. The crickets and the rain. The cold hum of the microwave. And the buzz of fluorescent tubes that echo the cold uncaring greyness that signifies your newest solitude.

There was noone to talk to. Everyone had gone home for the holidays and all around me was emptiness. I didnt go back 'cause my parents couldn't afford it. Being poor sucks. Period. Did I feel I was going out of my mind? Yes. Did I lose it completely and break down? I have to say I did.

Now one question I always asked myself was the whole "stay friends" or "cut it loose" thing. With all honesty I can say "cut it loose" is the best option. Why?

From my standpoint, you have already shared a moment with that person that is deeply personal and emotional, a bond that transcends normal friendship and all that crap. No disrespect for friends, but honestly, if you really TRULY loved that person before, I dont see how its possible to look at that person again in the future and pretend nothing happens while they have new partners whom you KNOW they're banging and all. Crude yes. But that is what we think of. At the end of the day, you don't want to know who your ex is screwing now. Freud can say whatever he wants but THAT is a definite psychological truism.

In anyone's mind, their Exs stopped having sex the moment they broke up, their organs dried up and they became single, lonesome pathetic shells of their former selves, eternally languishing in a private hell for never fully realising how YOU were the greatest love of their lives. That is what we ALL want in passing.

So, for being friends after breaking up? Having to marginalise whatever you shared before by diluting the future with diplomatic cafe chit chat and "How are you doing" pleasantries that have no actual emotional merit? Thats a bigger lie to me than just cutting it loose to begin with.

I did try it for awhile. But it just brought back the pain every time I spoke to her. Her nonchalant manner and coldness only worked against me. Foolishly, I asked her if she missed me, and she said "Not really". Reality has no save game function.

Give me unknowing. Give me the silence and the void. Sometimes, it really does work against you to know too much. I guess there is a reason why memories work the way they do and how things seem to dull in your recollections with age. We are meant to discard and forget the good times, and the pains. Meant to place away things in corners like old books that have grown yellow pages with age. That old smell, a fond, comforting moment when you dust it off and read it once, and then put it away for another few years.

I guess I just ain't one of those people who can do that. People ask me to see a picture of her when the rare moment the topic about her does crop up. I tell them I can't show them anything. I burnt all the pictures and I never left anything behind. Its true, I did. I dont have anything left from her. I have a strange feeling I don't need to, because I don't think Ill be forgetting anything about her, for a long, long time.

Monday, April 12, 2004

Dusted Days 3
(1995)

I had gone for lunch with my parents. I do believe it was a weekend and if I am not wrong the lunch venue was either "Ghim Moh" or "Alexandra Village". I can't remember which for the life of me.

Putting myself psychologically in the context of the story, I was definitely over influenced by the music I was listening to. Nirvana and early Pearl Jam. Very angry music. Very "I'm misunderstood. Rebel yell", kinda stuff.

Plus, those years were pretty much the most powerful years of the Generation X/Grunge/Slacker movement. It seemed that in that generation, a kind of anti-establishment/anti-corporate youth ethos was created. Ironically, so much of the wave that took the Gen X/Seattle scene to the rest of the world required the use and channels of big business and corporate highways.

But I bought it. I bought the whole farm. Bought the "I'm so angry at everything"-schtick. Living in Singapore, I was dissatisfied with many
things, examples,

1) Anger at the pecking order of my school, where I was almost constantly ostracised for being fluent in English where everyone else was fluent in a mother tongue. Between getting beat up, laughed at, shunned and every other kind of peer harrassment, I pretty much gave up on secondary education. There is little incentive to study when you are surrounded by brutes and your mind is preoccupied with not having to get throttled after school.

2) Anger at Singapore. Societal things seemed to irk me. Like the introduction of R(A) films, to the ridiculous bans on films and texts, to the overbearing authoritarianism and self-serving cronyism of those who claimed to be influential and free speakers of "the Arts and Music". That really got my goat. I remember being so angry when copies of Nirvana's In Utero album were sold in the major stores in singapore and "Rape Me" was bleeped out and stuff. Things like that used to really get me into a furore.

3) Anger at my fellow sheep, I mean man. Let's face it. Singaporeans are generally meek when it comes to voicing opinions regarding Government behaviour and legislation. The sadness lies in the fact that the routine and manner in which the Govt has muted public opinion has become one where the public themselves have grown ambivalent to so many issues. Simply because either;

a) They are scared to be vocal,
b) They simply don't care enough to be vocal about it or;
c) They ostracise those who are vocal, hushing them up in a rhetoric of "haiyah, why care? make too much noise go jail. Dont care lah, no big deal"

4) Anger at the cost of living. Singapore is expensive to "Live" in. When I say that I mean, having a life beyond just being able to exist. Having enough to indulge in one or two favourite activities.

So because of these and a few other factors like my Dad getting shafted at work for being a good old "Salt of the Earth" kinda worker instead of the brown-nosing intellectual who is useless in practical situations, and overall dissatisfaction in the quality of my life at that point in time, I said something which must have had some, if not a large bearing on where I am now.

I uttered the words (approximately)

"You know what Dad, and Mom. Why don't we just go. Why don't we just leave Singapore...."

I proceeded to present my argument, quoting my Dad's disappointment with work, presenting the case of me struggling at school with my second anguage, presenting a pretty detailed version of some of the points that I highlighted above. It was one instance when I was not interrupted in my presentation of the case to my folks. I do not even recall any other time when I have not been rebutted, stopped or simply told off for speaking at such length on any subject of serious importance.

Essentially I "character assassinated" Singapore. Using as many fronts as I could from macro to micro issues. Everything from the Social-Authoritarianism to the banning of chewing gum, to the disadvantage of those who were more artistically gifted rather than academic, in a place like Singapore. Singapore the evil PAP machine, Singapore the "You cannot" society. Singapore the stifling, money-making, industrial machine.

"Let's just go, let's just fucking go".

I had hit a nerve I guess, because for the next 8 years, my parents really fought tooth and claw for PR status in Australia. Application after application, tallying of points, seeing agents, medicals, repeated appeals, coping with changes in application policy on the Australian legislative side. A million and one things. Even till 6 months before we got the PR (Finally in 2003), we had no clue whether we were getting it or not. Writing to the minister even (Back when ministers basically "aye" or "nay"-ed visas for applicants)

I will sidetrack abit here.

During this time of course, I had the opportunity of studying in Australia. I was in Perth for about 4 years and then in Melbourne to live with my sister for awhile. It is an experience, studying abroad. I would recommend it to anyone with the means/desire to go.

Then I began to see the flipside of migration.

Being Asian, moving to a Caucasian-heavy country does have it's issues too.

1) It will take a long time before Asians are well and truly regarded as first class citizens or residents of Australia (If that ever happens at all). Never heard a comment about Chinese and Chinese food yet? Come be a minority here, and experience it for yourself.

2) Because of Australia being a country that is supposedly very tolerant on issues, they do not penalise stupidity. It is not a joke. Stupid is rife here. You have social imbeciles and delinquents, spraying any damn public thing with graffiti, trash, slurs. You name it,you got it. People dont respect public property here. There is no fat jail/fine if you spit/pee/litter/vandalise/squat, thus you get public stupidity.

3) Where Singapore is a majority White/upper-blue collar country, Australia has more spread in social strata. And it has a welfare system. So you do have the homeless, drug-addicted, psychotic and simply-no-goods more present in society.

4) Crime. Forget about walking to 7-Eleven for smokes. Opportunities for weird shiet going on are there. Maybe not like New York, but still...

5) A longing for the sights, sounds and tastes of home. They will always be sensual longing for "back home" like food, familar places and such.

So its funny when I am in Singapore and people don't ASK me how Australia is. They TELL me.

"Australia good right? Everything cheap over there, servings very big right? I heard Australia girls very pretty. You like Ang Moh or not? Marry one lah. House cheap, Car cheap. If I go I buy WRX liao ah.." And so on and so forth.

When I am in Australia, this happens, "Food everywhere? Any time of the day or night? Wow! $2.00 for any kind of food? Thats awesome. No crime? No guns? No welfare? No littering? Get anywhere in Singapore in one hour? By public transport? Sentosa? Wow".

And the Australians ask me if I liked it better in Singapore.

Truth is, neither feels like home to me anymore. Having lived in both places in spurts and intervals of 6 months to a year, I have found nothing truly feels like home anymore. You meet people, friends and just when you start to settle, you gotta go ,again and again. College, Uni, Mediacorp, Melbourne, Lycos, Melbourne again.

So do me a favour. Don't ask me which is better. Cause I always say the same thing.

Neither is better, neither is worse, The more I know about the subject, the less I know.

"Everywhere I roam, where I lay my head is home".
Dusted Days 2
(1989-91)

Ah the wonder years of Chinese torture. Translated from one Mandarin class.

Demon teacher: “ Tianqing, please read the second paragraph of the story out loud for the class ”

Me: “ Very long very long last time, got a crazy…erm, no …small white protrusion, erm I mean rabbit, that climb up a hill. Suddenly, got one piece, no erm, one animal of wolf who is very pervert, no I mean hungry…teacher they are laughing at me. Stop laughing, stop laughing leh. [Hokkien curse word] [Hokkien curse word] ”

Weekdays back then consisted of;
A) Ill fitting uniforms, waking at 5.30 in the morning.
B) Day of classes and one 20 minute recess of MSG laden food
C) Backs drenched in sweat from lugging overweight schoolbags and walking home in the blazing sun (for those poor morning session students).
D) Reaching home in the evening reeking of sweat and fighting hunger pangs (for those poorer afternoon session students )
E) Those dreaded tuition lessons.
F) A spot of TV after dinner, then homework. In my case, writing 100 copies of each word I failed in chinese spelling, and another 100 copies of each word I failed in chinese tuition spelling. I had suspected my right forearm being bigger than my left arm in those days. God, I so miss afternoon “coming home from school” naps.

All well and good about the weekdays. But what about the weekends?

My parents used to be avid golfers. In your early teens, if you had parents who golf, you would know that Golf is the most horrible and wretched hobby that can ever be imposed upon your kids. At that age you are a schoolfool in the weekdays and thats hell enough, but no, weekends are as depressing if not more so.

But on the weekends, your parents don’t just want to golf for fun. They want to golf, period. In fact, they are golf MAD. They don’t just play 18-holes a day. (An average game of 18 holes takes somewhere between 4 to 5 hours, by the way, depending on where you play and how fast you play it) The avid golfer, like my crazy folks, laughs hysterically in glee at the prospect of 36 holes in one day. “Bring it on!”, you can almost hear them cheering, as they pee their pants in overbearing excitement.

So the routine used to be
Monday – Friday: School
Saturday: Wait at home for Dad to come back from ½ day at work. Mom makes lunch. He has his lunch then the whole family’s off to good old Sembawang Country Club. Parents start a golf flight about 2, finishes about 8, we have dinner and that’s goodbye Saturday.

Sunday: Wake up at 6am. Scolded to hurry up. Whiny moaning from me and my sister. Stuffed into the car by 6.30. Fly to Thomson road. Have a quick breakfast. Fly to Sembawang club. Parents dump us in the clubhouse with bags of homework. They start a flight 7-ish, finishes at about noon. They come back to the clubhouse, we have lunch. Check if homework done. Woe is you if you’ve done none. After lunch, they start another flight about 2 and finish about 8pm. Same routine after that as on Saturday.

Needless to say this routine was very depressing for me as a kid. Forget hanging out with friends, forget television, forget mixing with the boys. Forget suggesting you stay home, because that was the time when “Latch-key” children were all the news in the papers. No self respecting parent would want their neighbours saying that their children were left home alone from 7am to 9pm and even later. So me and sis never had a choice. We had to go. Week in, week out.

Sembawang Country Club is located inside a military base. As such , there is no place to wander off to. You are stuck there till you leave. No walking the woods, no exploring.

See the sign? Yeah. “Trespassers will be prosecuted”. I always feel sorry for the white man whose hands are held in the air, in the midst of falling over after being shot in the ass by the black man with the rifle behind him.

It isn’t even a fancy country club, not even in the least. Back in those days I can still tell you what they had. Bear in mind that many of the buildings for the club were formerly belonging to the NZ Kiwi club, so these were rundown, paint peeling, old colonial period style buildings.

1)There was one old dingy Squash court building, often dead leaves would clutter the gutters and there was kind of a musky smell in the place, because it was hardly used on weekdays if at all, and the lights were always off. Ventilation was also very poor. Dust everywhere.

2)An outdoor badminton court, which in Singaporean terms means two iron poles sticking out of a concrete floor covered with dead leaves.

3) A children’s playground. Sandboxed area with [1 x See-Saw(broken), and 1 x Swing]

4)A children’s arcade room (back when games were 20 cents a go)
1x Space Invaders machine and
3 x regular arcade style machines (the brown wooden boxed type).
One of those games would always be Pac-Man. And only stupid people play Pac-Man.

5)An old blue mosaic style swimming pool with accompanying algae ridden yellow PVC style waterslide (They turned the water spouts off on the slide on weekdays) You could use the slide for the pool, but then your skin would mysteriously itch afterwards. The pool was fun occasionally. I remember keenly the numerous occasions when I would dive to the pool’s depths, ignoring my burning eyes to grab at and surface with handfuls of the bountiful treasures that I had ventured to obtain. Double handfuls of undissolved white chlorine powder. Occasionally, you would see a frog laying belly up in the water.

6)The famous Sembawang Country Clubhouse where apparently the drink “Gunner” originated. All it is, is really equal parts of Ginger ale and Ginger Beer a big old beer mug with lots of ice. I remember fondly the people who ran the cafeteria there and their pricing strategy;
Fries ordered by your parents -$2
Fries ordered by you for your parents - $2
Fries ordered by you when your parents weren’t around - $3 (mysteriously smaller serve)

7)One TV room. It’s a sand crusted old Telefunken that you have to hit to adjust. Just Don’t let the club manager see you do this) to get the colours to work. Forget about focus. Just get used to squinting your eyes to blur your vision such that the TV looks clear

8)Jackpot room. Hahahahah. Try getting in there when you are 14. I dare you. “Ah Di ah, Le Buay Sai Jip Ke Chee Tao.. Blah blah tell your parents, caning etc etc..”

So what does this all add up to? Imagine this.

You finish class on a Friday. You come home and rush dinner. 7pm, you rush downstairs for Karate class. Not like you really want to take the class anymore, but your parents don’t believe in quitting anything.

You do flying kicks barefoot on a concrete basketball court for years. This of course, utterly destroys your ankles which never recovers for the rest of your life. In fact you tend to limp if you’ve been on your feet for too long, a testiment to the stupidity of Martial Arts instructors when it comes to podiatrics.

Anyway, you come home utterly wasted at drop dead on the sack at 10.30 or 11.

Next morning you get up. It’s Saturday. Forget Visionaries and Smurfs, you have tuition at 9.45 with a teacher who has two eyes, neither of which look in the actual direction that she looks at. Its like taking class with Sammy Davis Jr, but much much eviler. You don’t actually learn anything because she translates mandarin words for you to mandarin, or hakka, if you prefer. Your mandarin doesn’t really improve, but your pain threshold does.

2 hours later, you are home and you have lunch. Throw everything into a bag because as soon as Dad finishes lunch its off to the club.

Repeat same scenario for Sunday morning except you feel like crying because its 6 in the morning and some cruel god won’t let you sleep. By 7am, you are shivering in the morning cold clubhouse with a belly full of Prata. Your parents are off to Golf and you are in that horrible state where you are so sleepy but yet to awake to sleep. The club chairs chafe your ass and its 2 hours at least before anything resembling Denver the Last Dinosaur or SwatKats comes on the Tele.

You have $3 to last the whole day. Its in case you are hungry. You look into the horizon and see the sky turn from dark blue to milo brown. The sun is slowly starting to rise. Your sister, who can sleep through a nuclear explosion, is curled up in a little ball, hugging her “cute pillow”, which is a stained, dirty, smelly, drool covered thing that just happens to be her favourite pillow.

So you gaze into the new day which you know is going to be as boring and depressing. Somehow the dewy morning and the chill gets to you so that after the rising sun pierces your eyes, you nod off into a light and restless sleep.

You awake with a start and dash to turn on the TV in the TV room. The TV starts to work properly just in time to catch the closing credits of SwatKats. You stay on the channel a bit longer but its World of Sport with Hamish Brown. No cartoons for you today.

You decide to go for a swim. You are at that weird age where you don’t really qualify as a kid yet you are not an adult either. You think maybe some swimming would be fun. Every other members 8 to 12 year old is doing the little kid thing. You are 15. Misfit central. You change into your swimming trunks. You know, the little boy swimming trunks that show off how really small your balls are. You almost jump into the chlorine caustic trap that is the club’s swimming pool but realise the usually blue pool is now a bright green. You put two and two together and realise that; blue pool + 2 dozen screaming, arm float wearing, incontinent tykes = green “shi shi” pool, not swimming pool.

Ah what the hell…

You throw caution to the wind and dive in head first. You swim around, taking special care not to swallow any water, After soaking for awhile your eyes are burning so bad from the chlorine and your fingertips are wrinkled and turning white at the edges. As a child, you don’t really care but your parents are due back from the first game and it’s eat with them or no lunch at all.

You scramble into the change room and take a quick shower. The management has decided that soap bars and shampoo are too inefficient and have swapped those for Johnson and Johnson baby powder bottles filled with soap powder.

20 minutes late, you are back in the clubhouse with damp hair. You are clean. I mean, really, you are. You are possibly the cleanest person on the face of the earth. Of course your eyes are tearing and burnt from the chlorine and your skin is slightly itchy from the soap powder but for all intensive purposes, people could eat off your ass. You are that clean… Dynamo boy!

You have lunch with your parents, saving the $3 given to you and you pray that you do not succumb to boredom and flush the 3 bucks down the toilet on some half-assed arcade game. At 20 cents that buys you 15 attempts, which is an average of maybe a good part of an hour playing, after which you will drop dead of boredom, or hunger, which you could allay with the $3.

So make you call Dynamo boy… 40 mins of games or 25 hot french fries?

You might think I’m over exaggerating the suffering, but you are wrong. The actual thing was much worse. You see there almost never were people around I could mix with, because most of the kids my age were cool. They either had maids or were staying home alone, ordering pizza or buying their own awesome lunches and stuff.

The afternoon comes and you have either blown your money on games or chips, It doesn’t matter which. You struggle with your homework, resisting the temptation to just rip out the damn answer sheet from behind the assessment books. Remember those things? Those f**king assesment books?

Eventually you finish or give up and you sit by the broken see-saw, looking into the horizon, seeing silhouettes of golfers walking around, doing their golfy things.

It was during this time that I started thinking. There was so much time to kill, so I just thought really big questions. It was kind of a fatalistic tendency. One reason I felt like this was because I had done next to nothing for my weekend and you know that feeling where you just dread Monday because it’s a school day? You get that feeling big time when you do absolutely squat ever weekend in and out.

The most depressing time is just when the sun sets on Sunday evening.

Many of these Sundays had passed and I had plenty of time to think about some very big questions. Eventually the only question that kept working through my mind as I spent hours staring at sand and ant trails was this…

“What will happen when I die?”.

And I got very frightened. It was something I had so much trouble fathoming.

I remember the terror very vividly. Imagining life, and then imagining not living anymore. Of course back in that time I was afraid because I thought my consciousness would go on while the senses had ceased long before. That’s what I thought Death was. Not being able to see, hear, feel, touch, smell, move or speak but still awake. The worse prison imaginable.

Eventually my existential fear worked itself internally. And I got so scared that eventually one day, while having dinner with my family, I burst out into tears, while having rice with the folks,

Me: “What will happen when I die ???” *crying ensues*
Mom: “Siao! Eat your rice and stop talking nonsense. Feel like slapping you. Stupid idiot!” *insert slap here*

Don’t you just love the Asian version of parenthood sometimes?

There would be 2 times out of the zillion times at Sembawang CC that I would truly enjoy and cherish (Well, apart from the Xmas functions which was always amusing in the “National Lampoon’s Family Vacation” sort of way). Those 2 times were a week apart.

And were the times when I would first come to meet Karin Goh.
"I know you wanna leave me
but I refuse to let you go
If I have to beg,
and plead for your sympathy
I don't mind, cause
you mean that much to me "

Many songs can make you think, bob your head and hum a tune incessantly. Of course, most of such songs just become liked because they receive so much airplay and promotion that they embed themselves in your head, rather an unconscious decision rather than actual choice. How many times have you caught yourselves humming some tune that you absolutely hate? It is actually more common than perceived. They are commonplace tunes.

However, every now and then there comes a song that you actually like based on something more. Meaningful lyrics, or a liking for the singer of the song, drives the motivation instead. You can associate the song based on perhaps something in your personal experience that relates to it, or a song that fits in nicely with your personal philosophy. These are songs of your pet musicians, you actively seek out such songs as they help you or rather, you perceive they help to improve the definition of your own self. Very much like the way I perceive myself to be defined by the music of Pearl Jam, STP etc.. It is active participation. And it is the foundation of music fandom.

But there is another even rarer association with the wonderful world of music. The quintessential reward of music and oft the artist's primary objective is to have a song that instantly moves you on a level that transcends both the unconscious and critical mind. You know when you hear such songs, they bring rapture that often brings tears to your eyes, and makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand in pleasure. It's like ear sex, to put it coursely. A song that just illuminates throughout your being. You feel like a better person to have witnessed the performance of such a song and/or singer. One such song could very much be "Superman" by Five for Fighting or the more recently released "100 years". Now you might know what I'm talking about. But even as good as those songs are. I have not witnessed a performance that actually moves me to tears. Not tears of sadness, but rather tears of exultation. A song or performance that "rocks your world", so to speak.

All those who are said to achieve this are oft attributed the "diva" status. You have your Whitneys, Mariahs and Celines, then you have your pretenders like Christinas, Shanias and Faiths. Of course I chose these examples based on what would be commonplace examples of such "Divas". Your personal choices would probaly differ. Sad to say, these prime definitions of singers and artists do nothing for me either. No tears at all. Then you have a little known contest called "American Idol". A tall, dark and goofy individual who has seemingly had the luck to be in the contest at all, having missed out twice and finally qualify for the finals on a wildcard draw, as a result of some other contestant being disqualified. This man is George Huff. And he is simply astounding.

I begun to follow Huff from the Wildcard episode, where he seemed nervous yet eager to give it another shot. The man is a grinning cariacature of mom's favourite son. Then he sang "Lean on me", and I was sold. The man has some powerful pipes. The song choice could not have been any better although he did have a very iffy start. He was good, but the question would beg, could he be better?

Down a couple of episodes and his rendition of "Ain't too proud to beg", formerly chosen by Ruben Stoddard, did it. Mr Huff had blown me to tears with his 1min 14sec songlet. It's not just the song, or the voice, but something about Mr Huff just gets you right in the pit of your stomach when he is on his game. And it feels damn good. The wonderful thing is he seems to be getting better still with each performance. Power to you, Mr Huff, this cynic is rooting for you.

All that philosophy just to plug Georgie Huff?, you might ask. I have to but sheepishly admit it.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Detonate.

Detonate the world.
Detonate prejudice
Detonate fatty and unnecessary foods.
Detonate illusions of false love
Detonate thinking you aren't good enough
Detonate self validation through others
Detonate cigarettes and the craving for them
Detonate bad memories and regrets of hindsight
Detonate the horrible state of world affairs
Detonate human suffering
Detonate confrontational religion
Detonate blaming "you"
Detonate myself and all concepts of I

Detonate the mind
Build anew from the rubble
And be free

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Dusted Days 1

(Somewhere in 1996)

It's basic military training time. I'm pretty much bald, in a bad mood and bald. Did I mention I was bald? Army is certainly an experience. To say it isn't would be lying. In some ways, I guess the guys you meet it BMT dont truly ever fade from your mind. There is always something, some memory that brings you back or ties you to them. Going through sh** does that to people I guess.

It's nightime. We are at the most 2 weeks away from our passing out parade. I'm lying in my bunk and those ceiling fan's are blowing warm air at full blast. The crickets are in full sing and it's come to the point where it's late enough that almost everyone is quiet. The corridor lights blinked off about 15 mins ago and here I am, lying on my bunk, with my grey PT shirt on and those ridiculous ill fitting black shorts...Man I hated those shorts. (Camel Toe City).

I'm itching. Lips really itching for a smoke. I'm getting to that nervous, foot tapping tension that comes with the anticipation of a cigarette. But I can't. I'd get busted, I could smoke in the balcony, but that would be too risky. So I just bite my tongue and rest one foot on the locker to my left and one to my right, like some weird horizontal Yul Brynner character.

It really sucks to be in camp on a Saturday. Some of the guys were really itching to go out. IT would have been fun, like the time we went to Boom Boom Room or the the other times when we just meet up in Boat Quay and get absolutely hammered on our lousy shit recruit pay.

I get more and more angry when I think about it. We were doing parade drills in preparation of POP and this absolute useless fuck (you know the sort, there's one in every platoon. He will guarantee a f-up in almost anything that requires being done as a platoon). In the Army, especially, don't count on luck, because you wont have it. The RSM sees our performance based on the dick's performance, and decides we are in no shape to have the weekend off, so our weekend is scratched. No booze, No smokes, No wild hoping
for getting laid in random encounters. The platoon is pissed.

"Psskt Oi, Saw. Time liao." I turn my head to the balcony. There they are, bald fuzzy heads semi gleaming in the moonlight like malevolent peaches with evil grins. I turn to wake some of my bunkmates but some of them are already up, probably drifting in and out of sleep, probably just as angry as I am to get any sleep.

I creep up off the bed and as I do so a half dozen or so guys in my section do so too. We inch as quietly as we can. I unlock my locker and search around in the dark for my webbing. I open the poncho pocket and take out a small piece of wood. A broken part of a longer broom handle.

We creep out slowly and inch into the next section to our left. There people are almost all up.The malay guys are talking softly and looking out the windows. One of them, the more pious and righteous one in the group is saying "Don't do this. This is not right.". We all grunt and tell him to piss off and that if he doesn't like it he should just go to bed and put the pillow on his face and shut the hell up.

There he is. The prodigy. The savant. The force majeuere. In all his asinine, semi- retarded glory. This one I remember seeing on the first day at intake. He didnt come on the bus. His mom had dropped him off. It was clear from the onset that he was "special". But he wasn't "Forrest Gump" or "I am Sam" special, where you could just hold him and have this big heart to wanting to help the guy out for his shortcomings and be his
best friend. This guy was the sick retarded shit who looked at people's dicks while they showered and gave them lewd looks. This was the guy who touched people's bums and when asked why had no answer. This was the guy who turned good nice honest recruits into vile, vengeance seeking firebrands of fury. Had his shortcomings not gotten us in trouble over and over again, maybe we could have just let him be. But it hadn't. It was always him, over and over again. But for me, I was never a perfect human being at the start so I don't need any justification for the actions.

1 Second - They pulled the blanket over his body on all four sides
2 second - I place my hand with a pillow over his face area to muffle him.
3 second - We start bashing him.

It's like an attack of the Nazgul. Swift, silent, and brutal. I can hear him screaming underneath the pillow and crying as we beat him repeatedly, there are so many of us almost twenty, all around the bed. Some are Ah Bengs. They stomp him with their feet and mutter time honoured Hokkien curses. Some like me have weapons. I club this motherfucker with all the strength I can muster, his screaming and yelping under the pillow urging me
on more my blood pumping through my forehead...hot and angry. I am part of the English speakers, the "Ang Mor pai". But it's fine. The Army is like a pack of dogs. as long as
you aren't the runt or the bitch, you are in the pack.

The beating goes on for about 40 secs. The sound is astounding. A almost constant flurry of thuds. But it's funny. So many of us want to beat the fella that we are standing toe to toe, occasionally two people side by side swing together and end up hitting each other. Wrist cracks are pretty common. Above the crying and yelping, there is chuckling. This is surreal. I feel like an animal. Yet I feel liberated. I get so caught up in the bloodlust that I dont realise that most people have stopped. I am the only one left holding the pillow that covers his face. The only thing stopping him from ID-ing me as an attacker. The only one still around. "Hurry Up! Before PC come!" they say, like idiots.

I hear people coming up the stairs. someone had reported this. I have too little time. So little time.

I turn my head away as much as I can and lift the tear soaked pillow as fast as I can. As soon as he sees light I smash my fist as hard as I can into his skinny, greasy pimpled face. And I turn and run, to the safety of my bed.

My heart is beating fast. I'm trying to stay calm, to go to sleep.I feel the light in my face soon after. The sentries are looking for suspects. I can hear the fool crying in the room over. The PC is asking him to go to sleep. The sweat turns cooler after awhile, and I drift off slowly.

I wish I was out having beer rather than this